What’s SHOOT THE MESSENGER?
Well, AICN COMICS: SHOOT THE MESSENGER is your weekly one stop shop for comic book news that’s dropped in the previous week. Thanks to Newsarama, CBR, Wizard, etc. for reporting it as it breaks. Click on the links for the original stories. This column cuts the crap to run down all the vital information for those of you who don’t follow it as it comes in, and serves it all up with that special ingredient of @$$y goodness. It’s also the place for interviews, previews, and special reports.
Hey folks, Stones Throw here with links to all the biggest announcements from the New York Comic Con and more. Gotta say—I’m really looking forward to FINAL CRISIS right now. Why? Well, just read on…
@ “Rob Liefeld” and “the end of civilization”—kind of rolls off the tongue, don’t it? The artist will write and draw the original graphic novel ARMAGEDDON NOW: WORLD WAR 3 for his new publishing company 12 Gates…
@ Black Panther animated series coming from BLACK PANTHER writer Reginald Huldin’s BET…
@ Joe Kelly KILLS GIANTS in a new limited series from Image…
@ NEW YORK COMIC-CON NEWS… Some juicy FINAL CRISIS tidbits from Grant Morrison at CBR—the miniseries skips a month when the Flash runs 30 days into the future to see just how bad things are getting. In that gap he’ll write SUPERMAN BEYOND, which he describes as a “Jason and the Argonauts”-type journey across the multiverse with the Supermen of multiple worlds. Suh-weet!…
@ FINAL CRISIS: REVELATIONS, starring the Spectre and chronicling events on the ground as ten ugly New Gods wreak havoc across Earth, was also announced, by Greg Rucka and the newly-DC exclusive Philip Tan. Other than that, ROGUES REVENGE, LEGION OF 3 WORLDS and SUPERMAN BEYOND, DC plans to keep FINAL CRISIS tie-ins pretty low-key…
@ SECRET INVASION: THOR, SECRET INVASION: X-MEN, tie-ins to BLACK PANTHER, IRON MAN, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY and SKRULLS VS. POWER PACK (I shit you not) on the way from Marvel…
@ Grant Morrison also announced plans to create a series of web animations with Virgin Media…
@ Stan Lee will team with Virgin to create a new line of superheroes. He’ll personally write an all-new, AVENGERS-like team…
@ Mark Waid will scribe a Spider-Man/BND storyline for his old 52 editor Steve Wacker…
@ Marvel MAX has three writers lined up to replace Garth Ennis on PUNISHER—crime novelists Gregg Hurwitz, Duane Swierzynski and Victor Gischler will each write five-issue arcs…
@ MARVEL APES coming in Fall…
@ Daniel Way writes a new DEADPOOL ongoing. It’ll tie in heavily to SECRET INVASION…
@ INVINCIBLE creators Robert Kirkman and Cory Walker bring back the Golden Age hero the Destroyer for a Marvel MAX miniseries…
@ Gail Simone writing a SECRET SIX ongoing with artist Nicola Scott…
@ Gail’s also planning the be-all and end-all of Wonder Woman events with this year’s “Rise of the Olympian”. Check out some details…
@ From VERTIGO… Grant Morrison and Cameron Stewart will wrap up their SEAGUY trilogy. The second three-part miniseries sees Seaguy become a “bull-dresser” (puts bulls in sexy clothes so they look like cows) in Spain. WARCORP, about the post-9/11 glorification of the armed forces, is also being developed…
@ Fourth and final SANDMAN OMNIBUS out in November…
@ DARK HORSE NEWS… Series two of the UMBRELLA ACADEMY coming in July.
@ Steve Niles’ next project is CRIMINAL MACABRE: CELLBLOCK 666…
@ Finally, two new HELLBOY miniseries—THE CROOKED MAN with Richard Corben and THE WILD HUNT with Duncan Fegredo—coming from Mike Mignola this year to coincide with the movie. Dark Horse will also be releasing the reference guide HELLBOY: THE COMPANION…
That’s it for this week. Now here’s Ambush Bug with some fan fiction or something…
Logo by superhero
ROUND ONE / BRACKET FOUR
PART I
Sixty-four of comic bookdom’s best fighters enter, only one will be crowned THE SECRET TOURNAMENT OF INFINITE @$$-KICKERY Champion. It’s comics’ version of March Madness, only it lasts a bit longer. Ambush Bug here, on behalf of the @$$Holes at AICN Comics, welcoming you all back to a contest unlike any other: boiling fanboyism down to its basics...whether one guy can kick the other guy's @$$.
Welcome to the fourth and final bracket before moving onto Round Two, but before we move on to this week’s fights, let’s see the winners of last week’s bouts.
Winning submission by Gargamel’s Taint
“They put me up against a kid?” Clint Barton mumbles to himself inside of his Ronin mask.
Across the wrestling-style ring, Connor Hawke sits in a meditative pose with his eyes closed.
“Wakey, wakey, Grasshopper.” Ronin advances with clenched fists, “Let’s get this over with.”
Rising to his feet, Connor bows to Barton. “Your movements are confident and brash, but precise. You are indeed a wizened warrior. Trained by the best, no doubt?”
The two opponents circled one another. “I’ve had a lesson here and there from some of the few people I respect.” Barton makes the first move, a right hook that Connor evades easily.
“You have the musculature of the bowman.” Connor continues to compliment his opponent. “All of your power comes from your arms and shoulders.”
Barton continues to throw lefts and rights, occasionally diving in with a kick, but all of them dodged by the young martial arts master.
“You move like a bowman I know. He is a noble warrior as well.”
“Enough with the pillow-talk, kid.” Barton is getting pissed. He charges Connor and swings a powerful haymaker.
“The thing about bowmen…” Against the ropes, Connor evades the blow by flipping backwards over the rope and landing on the ground outside of the ring, still hanging onto the ring-rope as if it were a bowstring.
“They are at their best when fighting at a distance…” Barton’s momentum and weight from the miss work against him as he falls forward into the outstretched rope.
“Up close, they are at a disadvantage.” Barton’s midsection is against the outstretched ring-rope, his body twisted from the fall.
“I am a bowman as well...” Connor and Barton are eye to eye.
“…and you, you are my arrow.” Barton’s eyes grow wide.
Connor releases the outstretched rope and shoots Barton into the air, over the cheering crowd, and against the back wall, knocking the elder bowman unconscious.
WINNER: CONNOR HAWKE
Winning submission by necgray
"In THIS cornaaah," the ring announcer drawls, pointing to his left, "Weighing in at three hundRED and SIXty-two pooouuuunds... hailing from Hell's KITchen in NEW Yaaawwwwk CitAAYY... WilSON "The KINGpin" Fisk!"
Cheers and boos in equal measure fill the air as Fisk smiles a sneer at the crowd. Dressed in mocking devil-red ring gear, he's three sides of beef hanging off a human-shaped frame.
"In THIS cornaaah," the announcer drawls, pointing opposite,"Weighing in at two hundRED and EIGHT-ty seven pooouuuuunds... hailing from NONE of my BUSiness... THAAAA GOOOOON!"
Cricket chirps fill the air as The Goon glares across the ring at Fisk. Goon doesn't go in for all that fancy ring gear crap, opting for his usual brown pants, white v-neck, and eye-hiding brown flat cap.
"Goon'll moidalize ya, baldy!" shouts Franky, Goon's ever-present companion. The bell rings.
Fisk lunges against his corner buckle and nods at the approaching hulk of a man. Two rough fellas slide into the ring between Fisk and Goon. They each take a swing but get their jaws busted for their troubles. Fisk nods again as Goon closes the distance. Three more men, larger than the last two, roll under the bottom rope. Goon clenches his teeth and dispatches them almost as easily.
"Ya cheatin’ jerk!" shouts Franky. Fisk smirks and replies, "They only said no powers and no weapons." Franky leaps over the ropes at Kingpin and receives a rib-breaking blow from the big man. The Goon, meanwhile, head butts one stray black-clad ninja whilst groin-kicking another and holding a third by the trachea.
"I could use a man like you," Fisk chuckles. "Have you ever fought a devil? I'll pay you half a million dollars."
Goon shrugs and shakes Fisk's proffered hand.
WINNER: KINGPIN
Winning submission by Barry Hammer
Echo and The Question look at each other, neither quite sure what to make of the other.
"Who are you?" The Question asks.
Echo looks quizzically at The Question, unable to read her lips.
The Question walks forward, "Do you know where we are?"
Still no response from Echo.
The Question, now exasperated, runs over, asking "Can you please at least just tell me what the deal is with that stupid handprint on your face?"
Echo leaps into the air, arches over The Question's head, lands behind her and swiftly kicks The Question in the back, snapping her neck.
Echo looks around the room and uses her hands to sign the message "Is there anyone in here who has a mouth?"
WINNER: ECHO
Winning submission by Bonafide Pater Familius
Hurled into the past as part of an overwrought, asinine death courtesy of M.O.D.O.K., Luke Cage is stripped of his powers and framed for murder in the racist town of Bloodgulch, Arizona. With a posse closing in, he finds M.O.D.O.K.'s chronal rift, but camped in the mountain pass between him and salvation is a gunman of sickly disfigurement.
"Figured you'd be comin' this way," Jonah Hex notes in a gravelly voice. “Don’t bother runnin’. There’s plenty moonlight to shoot by. And you're a big target.”
“Don’t this feel familiar,” Cage mutters. "I was set up. I didn‘t kill anybody."
“Never heard that one,” Hex replies dryly. “I ain't lookin' to scrap. Just turn around real slow so’s I can truss you up. The reward’s for you alive."
Luke Cage, ragged and aching, stares down the bounty hunter in Confederate grey, knowing the noose awaits him. "Sorry, man," he shrugs. "Ain't gonna happen. I’m just too uppity, I guess."
Hex tosses his pistols beyond the firelight. "A tussle it is, then, amigo.”
Cage comes in fast, landing one solid jab to Hex’s gut but missing two. Hex lands a heavy right cross, but Cage snakes a thick arm around his throat. Hex hooks a boot behind Cage’s foot and heaves, toppling them both onto the campfire. He digs his heels in, pressing Cage against the coals, but feels himself blacking out. Cage, his clothing cooking into his skin, Hex’s thumbs gouging at his eyes, can’t hold on, and Hex wrenches himself free. He delivers a savage kick across Cage’s face and hammers him into embers and unconsciousness.
“Ornery cuss,“ Hex growls, rolling Cage off the fire and lighting a cigarette off his burning shirt.
Enraged, M.O.D.O.K. liquefies seven A.I.M. technicians and contemplates what to do now with thirty Reva Connors androids.
WINNER: JONAH HEX
Congratulations to all the winning participants. Winners will move on to Round Two. Be sure to check out this week’s bouts. But first, the rules:
@ To even the playing field, contestants are powerless and weaponless upon entering the ring. They must win on fighting prowess and character alone!
@ Check out the fights listed below and send a 300 word (or less) fight scene to us determining who the winner is and how the fight should play out. (Remember: it’s best to SHOW, don’t TELL in these submissions. That means write the scene as if it is happening, don’t tell us what will happen…it makes for more interesting readin’, don’t cha know!).
@ Be sure to indicate winner of each match in the subject line of your email.
@ Submissions are judged by a select group of @$$Holes (hint: we’re looking for the most entertaining one to win, not necessarily the one that has been done and over done in comics before. ORIGINALITY RULEZ!).
@ Winners of each match will be announced in the column a week later (that means if the fights were introduced in Monday’s SHOOT THE MESSENGER Column, the winner will be announced the following Monday, same for Wednesday’s reviews column).
@ Submissions can be sent in to @$$Hole HQ via the link below until midnight Friday.
@ THIS CONTEST IS NOT FOR PROFIT but done out of love for Fan Fic, comic book store trash talk, and online comic book debate.
@ Have fun and enter as many times as you’d like! There can be only one winner, it’s up to you who that turns out to be!
Here are this week’s combatants!
Leading Easy Company against the enemy during World War II was enough to make this bad boy from Pittsburgh as hard as his name suggests. When talking about WWII heroes, Sgt. Frank Rock is the top of the list. Although he usually brandishes a gun and a bandolier full of grenades, The Rock can hold his own in close combat. Rumored to be the last person killed from the last shot fired during WWII, DC has published numerous SGT. ROCK comics throughout the years.
Another WWII veteran, Nick Fury went on to become the premiere super-spy of the Marvel Universe and leader of the world’s top spy organization, S.H.I.E.L.D. Whether he looks like Hasselhoff or Sam Jackson, Nick Fury may be old, but don’t count him out. He’s been in hiding for quite some time (actually he’s under a pile of clothes and empty beer cans in the back corner of @$$Hole HQ), but he’s come out to play long enough to participate in this tourney.
WWII couldn’t stop them--which crusty warhorse will move on to round two?
Just because she’s one of the most beautiful women in the DCU and stars in an ongoing monthly with her husband, Green Arrow, doesn’t mean Black Canary can’t kick @$$. Even without her canary cry (something she can’t use in this tourney!), she is a deadly martial artist taught and trained by Lady Shiva, Wildcat, and even Batman.
Ka-Zar proved to be pretty deadly earlier in the tournament. If you think he’s tough, you should see his wife. Shanna the She-Devil has fought lions, tigers, bears, and dinosaurs and still manages to look stunning. Recently, she struggled to stay in her fur bikini in her own miniseries from Marvel. This bad girl’s prowess has been sharpened to a keen edge in the most dangerous jungle in the world, The Savage Land.
Next to us as the audience, which blonde bombshell will be the winner here?
Bracket Four
Fight Three
ROBIN VS PUCK
Sidekick to Batman and leader of the Teen Titans, Robin has proven to be a warrior that can hold his own in any melee. Sure he’s kinda small and a bit inexperienced, but he’s gone toe to toe with some of DC’s best and been trained by the Batman himself in his own monthly comic, TEEN TITANS, and the occasional appearance in other Bat-books.
Bendis may have killed him because he didn’t know who he was, but we’re bringing this Alpha Flight alum back for this tourney because he’s too cool to stay dead. Plus, that guy may have been a Skrull. Either way, Puck is an agile 100-year old soldier of fortune who bounds across a battlefield like his namesake on the ice. An ally of Wolverine and witness to more than his share of fights, don’t take let this guy’s size fool you, he’s plenty tough.
Will it be youthful vigor or timeless talent that wins in this battle of agile warriors?
Yeah, yeah. He’s mincing around in Captain America’s duds in CAP’s own Marvel monthly, but we all know it’s just a matter of time until Steve Rogers comes back. Bucky has made quite a reputation for himself as the ultimate secret sleeper agent, the Winter Soldier. Bucky Barnes will have to leave his metallic prosthetic arm at home for this match (he can’t use it in this tourney since the arm alone kicked an entire battalion of S.H.I.E.L.D. agent’s @$$es in a recent issue), but even with one arm behind his back (or in this case, lopped off at the shoulder), he’s more than capable enough to dominate in the ring.
Sometimes bad good guy/sometimes good bad guy, the master ninja known as Storm Shadow is deadly no matter what side of the fence he’s on. Although he’s an expert with all weaponry, he will fight in this tourney weaponless. As cunning as his arch-enemy/former friend Snake-Eyes, Storm Shadow tentatively works for the terrorist organization COBRA fighting against the forces of G.I.Joe.
Can the veteran war hero beat the master ninja with only one arm?
There’s this week’s first round of matches. Send in your 300 word (or less) fight scenes to the link below. Deadline is Friday. Look for the winners of these match-ups in next Monday’s AICN COMICS NEWS SHOOT THE MESSENGER Column, and look for the second batch of matches in this week’s AICN COMICS REVIEWS Column on Wednesday.
Send your fight submissions here!
Good luck, have fun, and go kick some @$$!
