Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here.
Over the last 20 years or so, I've pretty much conditioned myself to see every Jackie Chan movie available to me. I don't care what he does in it, if the film is screened or I get a DVD of something that went unreleased in the states, I'll watch it. There are usually one or two action sequences that make it worth the pain of sitting through whatever dopey story has been concocted for Chan. But with THE SPY NEXT DOOR (and the upcoming KARATE KID relaunch, with Chan taking on the Mr. Miyagi), I'm seriously considering changing my stance, and it's not simply because THE SPY NEXT DOOR is so terrible that it represents an abscess in Chan's career. No, it's because of the opening credits of the film.
"What could be so awful about the opening credits of this movie?", you ask. If you are a Chan fan, you'll understand. You see, Chan plays Bob Ho, a Chinese spy working for the CIA (as most Chinese spies in the United States do). Ho has had a long and solid career, and now he hopes to hang up the hi-tech gadgets and weapons to settle down in the suburbs with his girlfriend Gillian (model Amber Valletta) and her three shithead kids. "But what does that have to do with the opening credits?" Behind the opening credits are a series of clips of some of Jackie Chan's best movie fight sequences and stunts from over his many years as the top action star in the world. By doing this, the filmmakers are implying that all of these awesome, without-a-net stunts were done by Bob Ho during his countless missions. They are taking the great work done by Chan and his team, and throwing shit right across these great movies by associated those films with THE SPY NEXT DOOR. So within the first five minutes, a great shit cloud hovered over this film that never went away.
Chan does get to take part in a couple of his signature fight scenes where he uses whatever implement is in the room to help him beat the bad guys. There's a sequence in a kitchen is probably the best example of this. But Chan has lost himself in the same place so many action stars have--in a movie made for kids. I whole-heartedly reject the premise that kids' movies get some sort of pass--no matter how awful they are--because they're made for youngsters. Parents should hold the films their offspring see to a higher standard because it will shape the films they appreciate and seek out for the rest of their lives. If junk goes in, junk will inevitably come out. And just to be clear, when your film's only other big stars are Billy Ray Cyrus and George Lopez, you are, in fact, fully submerged in a junky movie.
Through plot contrivances that only happen in terrible movies, Gillian has to go out of town and is forced the leave the kids in Jackie's care. Oh, the hilarity! It practically writes itself. Those kids are devious and clever, and their acting has as much dimension as a burnt gingerbread man. And their motivation is completely schizo. In one scene, Chan charms them and somehow wins them over. Then in the next scene, they're fucking with him again. I can't believe they made a kid's movie that doesn't make sense or adhere to any definition of logic. When does that every happen, and when will the madness stop? Right now, that's when. If you are a follower/worshipper of Jackie Chan the way I have been for so many years, it needs to cease and desist right now. I have to see his movies because of my job; you don't. And if you have kids, take them to something good, not this crap. I want you to boycott future Jackie Chan films until he either retires or gets his act together and stop all this brainless pandering. Sorry, Jackie, but you hurt me first.
-- Capone
therealcapone@aintitcoolmail.com
Follow Me On Twitter
