Morning, geeks!

So I walked out to grab my mail this morning, and I found some strange cryptic letter in my mailbox. They were some strange instructions which took me on some sort of scavenger hunt around my neighborhood. The clues led me right to this abandoned house that I never knew existed just down the road. Inside was some strange things like jars of embalmed pineapples, and a stringed necklace of toenail clippings, and many large eyed Beanie Babies lined the walkways. All of the furtiture in the house was positioned facing west, no matter where it was located in the house, even if it meant a chair facing directly into a bathroom, everything faced in one direction. I followed the direction they were all facing, feeling it was another clue, and I was right. Up until then, I had been completely unphased by the strange things in the house. Until....I opened the door on the most western end of the house. The room I looked into was mostly barren, all except for a single set of shelves sitting in the middle of the room, filled to the brim with DVDs and Blu-rays. I recoiled in horror when I realized that every single one of them was some different language version of PADDINGTON BEAR and its sequel!

Just then, I heard a bang against the wall in the room behind me. I turned, and saw the figure of a large hedgehog-like creature that appeared to be wearing a bright red hat with a blue raincoat. He stepped closer, dragging his torn up and lethal looking oversized umbrella behind him. Terrified, I dove out the window, and haven't gone anywhere near that house since. What was really strange, was when I got back, I noticed something stuffed into the pocket of my hoodie. I pulled it out, and smoothed out the crumpled papers. It was another queer writing of Hedgehog's. You know, that weirdo that tells bad jokes and likes all of his own posts! I fear for my own life, and I know what the spirit wants. It wants to be heard. So I'm sharing with you all today what was in those papers.

~Big Eyes

P.S. I normally whip up the fun photoshops for these, but I'm sick as a doggo right now. So any of these images used do not belong to AICN. Credit goes to where it is due, and not here. I can say at the very least that these pictures were hand picked by me within a span about ten minutes of googling.

Hedgehog’s Corner – TERMINATOR

HI READERS - I’M BACK! YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT “TERMINATOR”?

SORRY TO TELL YOU THAT IT SUCKS!

Welcome to my analysis of the TERMINATOR FRANCHISE - the brainchild of genius James Cameron.

He has made some of the very best films that I like a lot ever in the world. From the Aliens one to the Abyss one to the Avatar one he insists on only making films that start with “A”. He always brings his “A” game and he only employs “A”-list stars to star in them. You could say that he is “A” film-making genius. SNAP!

Anyway, it all started way back in the past when films weren’t actually called films but were called VHS and movie multiplexes were called video stores. You went in and got whatever film you wanted there and often that film was the 1984 James Cameron classic “A Terminator”. It starred Arnie and another few actors. It was amazing and awesome! I rate it as an A+.

The film uses a timey-wimey time-travel plot that will bamboozle even the most intelligent brain. With all of the multiverse time-jump alternative reality timeline quantum intersection entanglements, it can be too much for most people to follow, especially if you are really stupid. But despite that I will try to explain it to you. A robot from the future tries to kill someone. See, it wasn’t so hard after all.

The genius of Cameron is that he takes actors who are going to be famous in the future and puts them into his film BEFORE they have become famous and that way he doesn’t have to pay them very much because they aren’t famous yet. If he’d tried to hire Arnie after he hit the big time with T2 that would have cost millions, so it was a great move to cast him in the first Terminator film before T2 came out and save himself a fortune.

Arnie’s world-famous catchphrase is “I’ll be back” which inevitably crops up in every Terminator movie. Although not the first one because he hadn’t gone away yet in that one. But it was in all of them from T2 onwards. But not in Terminator Salvation because he wasn’t in that one. But all of the others. Apart from T3 when he said “I’m back” instead. But it was in all of the other ones. But maybe not in Terminator 6 as it’s not out yet. But it was in all of the other ones. Definitely.

Apart from Arnie the best character in T1 and T2 is Sarah Connor playing the role of Linda Hamilton. She wasn’t so good in T3. Because she was dead in that one which limited her acting somewhat. But in the first two she was awesome. Back then there were very few female action film role models so Linda was an inspiration to women everywhere. She showed that a woman didn’t have to just be a victim – she could also be scared of small lizards, bite the man who tries to save her, work as a waitress, get pregnant on a one-night stand, pose for photos with a big dog and totally fail to kill Dyson. Pretty inspirational!

Of course later on she also blew up Cyberdyne, escaped a mental institution and generally saved the world, so that was good too.

I think I’m one of the few people who liked T3. It was good. It was funny. It was exciting. It had a terminator in it plus a lady terminator who was red and evil. What’s not to like? It also stars the amazing Claire Danes before she found TV stardom in Homeland.

Yes, Homeland.

Which also had the Mrs Deadpool woman in the early episodes.

She was married to the bloke from Billions. Who was in Band of Brothers.

As was David Schwimmer. Who was in Friends.

With Jennifer Aniston. Who married Brad Pitt.

Who was in SE7EN.

Which was once watched by KEVIN BACON!!!

(Whew, got there in the end. It’s harder than it looks! Although apparently Kevin Bacon also watched Homeland so I could have saved a lot of time there. EPIC FAIL by me I guess)

I think I went to see Terminator Salvation, but I slept right through it. Not because it was bad. BUT BECAUSE IT WAS REALLY REALLY BAD! For some reason this one was made by rapper MC G – when this MC’s on the mic you’d better put your hands in the air like you just don’t care (about how bad the film is). If you haven’t seen Terminator Salvation then I highly recommend that you carry on never seeing it.

Anyway, in Terminator Salvation we’re shown that Cyberdyne was Helena Bonham-Carter for some reason. She was bald and wanted to kill Sam Worthington (didn’t we all after seeing his terrible acting – wicked burn!!!) but she misread the script and kissed him instead. This turned him into a robot or something. But he didn’t know he was a robot even though he was full of metal stuff. But things took a turn for the worst when he met John Connor who was being played by Christian Bane. We all know that Bane mumbles but when someone pointed this out to him he flew into a rage that was secretly recorded and posted all over the internet. It looked as if his career would be finished overnight. And what a Dark Night that would have been for him.

There was also Terminator Genesys.

Anyway, we are now all looking forward to TERMINATOR 6. In fact its actual title is going to be just “TERMINATOR” (with the subtitle “Yes, I’m back, in time, from the future, again”). It won’t be out for a year or two but luckily I have my very own time machine, so I can go into the future and see it right now!!! Then I’ll go back in time to when I started writing this article and post my review at the beginning as proof. START THE TIME MACHINE!!! HERE I GO…..

FUTURE LOVE, HEDGEHOG xxx