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A contest to break your heart! Win an autographed Farrelly Bros poster!

I think everyone will get excited by occidere	Jan 5th, 2008 05:28:45 AM
when they see the title of this, and then see what poster is being given and think "forget it". Unless they're hardcore Farrelly brothers fans.
Hey Jett by Horace Cox	Jan 5th, 2008 05:50:30 AM
Now that your life is complete, kindly fuck off and die. Thanks!
Entry Story by nascentia	Jan 5th, 2008 06:06:47 AM
The summer before my sophomore year of college, I'd been chatting up this girl named Sam online. She was going to be rooming with another one of my friends, and we got to messaging each other in AIM and on Myspace (this should have been clue #1 not to pursue anything.) We chatted for a few days and then it tapered off until the semester started and we met for the first time. She was a crazy goth-type girl, wore a spiked collar, black lipstick, etc., but man did she have a great body. She was pretty much a butterface though, but her face wasn't THAT bad. We were flirting like crazy on the first night back to college and my friend Kevin was trying to get in her pants too. We'd known each other in person all of about 5 hours before she changed into some real hooker clothes (intentionally - we were going to joke with my roommate that I'd picked up an actual hooker.) She had on the shortest skirt ever, no panties, knee-high hooker boots, and a black tank-top. Anyways, I drive her back to my town and she wants some KFC first, but just a giant bowl of their macaroni and cheese. Fine. We get back to my house and head right to the bedroom, where she proceeds to strip and eat that nasty macaroni on my bed, naked. I don't know which smelled worse, the macaroni or her woman bits, but my God my room stunk. (This should have been clue #2.) But alas, I was a horny college sophomore (and sadly still a virgin, which I neglected to mention to her) so of course we fucked. Way crazy shit for someone's first time...she had me choke her, and she wanted me to cut her and fuck her while she bled. Yeahhh...clue #3 right there, but still, we kept going. I ended up with a torn up back and a ton of bruises and hickeys, but whatever, there went the virginity. Afterwards, we had to go to Wal-Mart for something (I forget what) and she made me go on a dog-leash. I suppose that wasn't too weird in a Wal-Mart, though. We proceeded to fuck on and off again for 2 weeks, and we went to Dunkin Donuts after sex EVERY time. It was at DD that she told me about how a pack of Jamaican drug runners gang-banger her when she lived on the military base in Cuba. We'd been "dating" for about 3 weeks at this point, and I was getting sick of her crazy shit. I ended up blowing her off for a whole week so I could play then newly-released Resident Evil 4, so I basically ended the relationship for that game (good decision, I think.) She got pissy, and it came out that in addition to me, she'd been fucking my friend Kevin, and another one of our mutual friends, Brian, while we were hooked up. They had even freakier sex tales, such as one involving her yanking out anal beads and coating most of the comforter in crap (I imagine if this were filmed, it'd put 2 girls 1 cup to shame.) After that, she dropped out of college, and Kevin, Brian and I are still good friends. We even formed the "Bad Sam" Club (you know, like the Good Sam Club, except no RVs.) As for Sam? She's in porn now, and her life goal is to be a Suicide Girl. I shit you not. The things I put up with just to get laid for the first time...
Entry: Rob Zombie's The Heartbreak Kid by tonagan	Jan 5th, 2008 07:23:08 AM
What do you mean that one's over?
Hahah, most AICN talkbackers have never had a date by Bobo_Vision	Jan 5th, 2008 07:52:44 AM
Get ready for a lot of bullshit stories, and a bullshit contest winner.
Can people from outside the US join too? by DerLanghaarige	Jan 5th, 2008 07:55:44 AM

Oh, okay, sorry, I read the north american bit! by DerLanghaarige	Jan 5th, 2008 07:56:42 AM
I was too excited to get a Farelly Bros. item! (And it's saturday, so sue me.)
Kathryn Golden (Showers) by Bungion Boy	Jan 5th, 2008 08:49:46 AM
During my senior year of high school, (I was at a boarding school in New York), I dated a girl named Kathryn Golden. She was from England and was working at the school during her gap year. She was sweet and wonderful and beautiful. Since she felt it was too much to go home to England for Thanksgiving, I decided to take her to my home in California. I had pneumonia over the break and could barely function as a person. I spent most of the week on the couch, doped up on codeine. One night some of my Cali friends came over to have a fun night of drinking and reminiscing. Since I was so very ill, I wasn't much fun for them and after a while they decided to go to another friend's place for a more traditional party. I told Kathryn to go, because it wouldn't be any fun for her to stay behind just so I could sleep. The next day I learned from my friends that she turned into a total freak and tried to seduce (fuck) my gay friend Colin. When she failed with that, she moved on to my friend Shane, who being the dick he is, was more than happy to oblige. They went to (ahem) make love in his car. She supposedly took off all her clothes and in the middle of the car sex she started to pee on him, and all over the back seat of his car. This shocked and surprised him and she told him that nothing gets her hotter than when she pees on her man. Now, if I may interject, Kathryn and I had had a physical relationship for about 3 months before this happened, and not once did she ever even attempt to relieve herself on any part of me during the act of physical love. I guess I wasn't special enough. After Kathryn messed up Shane's back seat, he made her get out of the car while he tried to clean it up. While she was standing nude on the side of the road, our local sheriff (Sheriff Arbaugh of Nevada City-look it up) drove by and stopped to investigate what was going on. Were Shane and I not good friends with the son of Sheriff Arbaugh, then he and Kathryn might have been arrested. However, Shane was able to supply some story that got them off with a warning and he drove her back to my house. I learned all about these events the next day and needless to say, the rest of our little trip was pretty awkward. No joke, her name was Kathryn Golden and naturally my friends will forever refer to her as Kathryn Golden Showers. But that's not the most disturbing part of it all. Over that week off she made me take her to see 2 movies she was dying to see. "Rugrats in Paris" and "102 Dalmatians." I should have known that chick was crazy right then and there, but I was an ignorant fool.
Ok, here goes... by cornponious	Jan 5th, 2008 09:24:17 AM
I've been married twice. My first marriage lasted a glorious 11 months, from june 1992 until May 1993. My wife's name was Shelly. We were living in a little duplex, nestled among various other duplexes, identical in nature to ours, in a small town here in Kentucky where I was working. The perfect American life. About, oh, 6 months into my marriage, things began to roll quickly down that hill of lore. My wife began corresponding with an old high school flame (I say "old", even though she had just graduated from high school that year. That's right, she was 18). He would even call her some nights in the middle of the night. We had already been fighting a lot, so it didn't really bother me too badly by this time, because I knew this wasn't going to last. But I remember the first time this guy called, and I answered the phone. It was at 3AM. He asked for Shelly, and I said, "Dude, it's 3AM, and she's married." He replied, "Yeah, I know. Can I talk to her?" So I let him talk to her. There was also a guy who lived in the unit next door to us who was also going through rough times with his live-in girlfriend. So he began to get pretty friendly with Shelly. One night I came home from work (working second shift, I got home around 2AM) and the front door was open. I walked in and Shelly and Trey (that was his name) were sitting on the sofa together. I said "Trey, what are you doing here, it's 2AM". He said "Well, uh, I was out for a walk, and I saw the front door open, and I thought she might be in trouble or something, so I came in". Of course, in my mind, I was thinking "riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight". Anyway, i just ignored the story he gave. A few months later, we were divorced. It was glorious... But this isn't why I'm writing this. After I got divorced, I hooked up with a woman I had dated off and on since I was 16. Her name is Lori. Lori was hot, in a very unique "Lori-hotness" way that nobody else I've ever been with (besides my current wife)has been able to duplicate. Well, one day Lori and I decided to go check out the Casey County Apple Festival, in Casey County, KY. We also brought along with us one of my parent's neighbor's kids and his girlfriend. I don't know how, but somehow we managed to fit into my RX-7 for the trip. Important information: I also had a friend named Tim, who was dating a girl name Tina. Tim is a great guy, a real sweetheart. He was actually a groomsman in my wedding with the above-mentioned Shelly. Tina, on the other hand, well, I won't publicly state what I think of her, or what type of person I think she is, but I'll just say that she is the type of girl who hates all ex-girlfriends of whomever she is dating "by default" simply because they are ex-girlfriends. That should give you some clues. Oh, and, Lori is one of Tim's ex-girlfriends. Oh, and, Tim and Tina live in Casey County... So, we arrive at the Apple Festival, ready for the revelry that only the Apple Festival can offer, when off in the distance I see Tim, with Tina. I say "I'm going over to talk to Tim for just a minute. YOU GUYS STAY RIGHT HERE, GOT IT?" So I go over and talk (quite far away from my party of revelers) and talk for a few minutes. At this point, Tina doesn't know who I'm with and is in normal mode. I go back to my group, and we commence to walking around, looking at the booths full of fake Dooney and Bourke purses, dream catchers, and stupid redneck t-shirts and caps. A little while passes when Nathan (that's the other kid with us) says "Hey Kevin, somebody just came up and spit in Lori's hair." I take a look, and sure enough, there's a huge goober oozing down in her hair. I take on the role of caring boyfriend and begin pulling the goober our with my bare hands, when suddenly I hear this screeching sound from across the street. I'm thinking, "WTF is that?" Suddenly the crowd parts like the Red Sea, and across the street stands Tim and Tina, and Tina is not happy, to say the least. She's screaming, shouting, pointing, cursing. Saying things like, "You bitch! I hate you, you slut! I'm gonna kick your ass!". She's saying these things to Lori. But she's also saying things to me as well, like "You son of a bitch, you still owe Tim money for those comic books!". This is a completely different story, one that I will not discuss here. Anyway... Lori is just standing there, holding one of those 120 ounce cups you get from a gas station, filled to the brim with Orange Crush. Poor Tim is trying to get Tina to shut up and leave, because honestly, he doesn't want this. Tina is getting closer and closer, and louder and louder. Eventually she ends up right in Lori's face, still being loud and obnoxious. I guess Lori couldn't take it any more, because it was at this point that she hurled her Orange Crush in Tina's general direction. Well, that, as they say, was that. They went together like opposite poles of a magnet. There was clawing, there was scratching, there was cursing, there was hair-pulling, there was even rending of clothes. And of course you know, this is redneck gold. The entire crowd, and there were hundreds of people there, erupted in cheers and hollering that was probably heard 2 counties over. I was trying to pull Lori away, and Tim was trying to pull Tina away. It wasn't working. Then a 7 foot tall state trooper swooped in, and he, in fact, WAS able to break them up. He also kindly told us that if we didn't leave right now, we were going to be arrested. (This was in 1993, before the police had gone completely out of control. Today we would have simply been tased and arrested.) So, I say "we were just leaving", and we head out, all 4 of us. We get out of the crowd, and down towards my car, when somebody walked up behind Lori and threw his drink on HER. It was some big guy whose baby (which was in his wife's arms) had gotten covered in Orange Crush. Lori accepts this as punishment for her actions, and simply apologizes to the guy standing in front of us, but Nathan (who is only 15) decides he wants a piece of the Apple Festival action, and decides to get in this guys face and confront him. I'm thinking "aww shit, not again", and we're trying to tell Nathan to back off, that it isn't a problem, when in swoops the same state trooper, who again tells us that we have one more chance to leave before we're arrested (thank you for not arresting us). So we high-tail it out of there. Alright, so we're driving away from Liberty, towards Danville, when Lori and I are discussing the day's events. I'm a little upset over it all, and am thinking that if she just had not thrown that drink on Tina, none of this probably would have happened. And I say this to her. She says, "well, did you hear what she was saying to me, and what she was saying about you? I had to do something...". And I say, "well, i know, but you still shouldn't have thrown that drink. I mean, it got all over that little baby". And she says, " I know, but i had to do something. She was in my face". And it went on like this until i just couldn't take it any more. I said "fuck you, Lori". And that, as they say, was that. At this point, Lori pulled my radar detector from my sun visor, and launched it at my head, as I was driving. I shattered into a million lead-laden pieces all over the car. I quickly pull over, and we get out and have it out, verbally. Nathan and his girlfriend are cowering in my car. Well, needless to say, we made up. And we had really great sex later that day. But then a few weeks later I caught Lori screwing another guy and it was over. So... Epilogue: Tina dumped Tim a little while later, and hooked up with a guy I went to high school with named Noel. They hit it off, and got married, and had a kid. Five months after Tina gave birth, she and Noel ended up in a Playboy video called "Real Couples: Sex in Dangerous Places". THIS video to be precise: http://tinyurl.com/2sh6eh In fact, that's Tina and Noel on the cover of the video. Since I had always wanted to see Tina naked, I had to watch the video. It was pretty MEH. They're divorced now.
This chick I dated in highschool by thegoddamedbatman	Jan 5th, 2008 09:50:18 AM
My Sophmore year in highschool I loaned this chick I was dating my copy of Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn. It was one of my favorite movies. She was supposed to take it to her dad's place (which was out of town) over the weekend and then bring it back monday. Instead she commited suicide over the weekend and I never got my tape back. That sucked.
Cornponious by BetaRayBill07	Jan 5th, 2008 10:00:41 AM
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz............
Hotchick69 by Bobo_Vision	Jan 5th, 2008 10:07:38 AM
I was chatting up this Hot chick online, "Hotchick69" to be exact, and after two months of finessing this honey, we decided to meet up for dinner at the Sizzler. Well, when I show up to meet this fine piece, it turns out this hot 18-year old girl was actually my 46-year old Uncle. I was like, "What the fuck?", but he offered to pay for dinner so I stayed, because I'm not about to turn down free dinner at the Sizzler. After dinner was over, I tried to politely end the date but I started to feel groggy because as it turned out, my Uncle slipped me a mickey in my Dr. Pepper. He took my to his van where he had his way with me and did me everyway but sideways. I limped home afterwards, and sat under the soothing spray of my showerhead while curled in a fetal position, shivering. Fortunately, on our second date, he was much gentler.
go with your first instinct by harold_maude	Jan 5th, 2008 10:10:29 AM
In high school this guy was always trying to get with me, he seemed like a jerk so it never happened. then that summer after graduation he convinced me he was not a jerk and we had a nice summer thing by ourselves, september came around and we decided to keep it going even though he was going to dorm at a college 1 hour away. things seemed okay but i would get these nagging feelings whenever I would call or see him, His friends like in high school where idiots but anyway, one day i called him up really late at night and a girl answered, somehow he convinced me she was just hanging out for a while, eventually i broke it off. then I got this drugged up call from him explaining how he can't live without me and how he has been cheating on me with his friend, some slutty hoe, so sure that makes me upset, then he tells me she is not the only one, in addition to hoping all over campus into girls beds he has been banging a whole bunch of guys. This information he says can bring us closer and now that I know the truth I can join in and be a part of the group while our own love grows between us.... yeah so that was the end of him
2 stories by Monkey Man Zero	Jan 5th, 2008 10:16:28 AM
The 1st is a simple quick one as it was a 8 hour "relationship" at best. I got drunk and went home with a stripper. After we got back to her place, she informed me she was a vampire and proceeded to bite my neck as we made out. I still wanted some, but couldn't get her to stop biting me. I had to stay awake all night as I realized I didn't know where I was, and all of her windows were covered due to the vampire thing. Morning came and I broke out, to find I was about 8 blocks from my house the whole time! Drinking is fun. The best though was the girl I dated and decided to take to meet my college friends about 60 miles from my home town. We drove there and met everyone. During the conversation I mentioned I had watched about 20 minutes of "The Thomas Crown Affair" which we had rented, but not watched. She informed me we had rented that to watch together and proceeded to get extremely pissed over those 20 minutes I watched before returning the film. She got so pissed, when I went to the restroom, she took my car keys, stole my car and went back to our home town 60 miles away. I had to get the cops to track her down as she went into hiding. When I got back to town and got the car back, she couldn't understand why I was upset and wanted to stay together!
Story by Agent Blue	Jan 5th, 2008 10:18:12 AM
Girlfriend and I broke up. That night she started dating another guy. Brought him home about every night, he slept there, and they did what they did. Sometimes loudly. The tasty treat is I was living with her when we broke up and continued to live with her for another 2 months. The high point in that time is when I slammed the silverware drawer so hard the front popped off.
nascentia/Bungion Boy/cornponious by jedimindflayer	Jan 5th, 2008 10:23:34 AM
cmon... penthouse not taking submissions for 'forum'? porn has better story concepts- lost your virginity to a freaky goth chick? pissing in a backseat? crazy ex-wife and a road-trip from hell? jesus- somebody end this strike so these writers can ease-up on all this freetime, and get paid for this avpr-quality crap.
Entry by enderandrew	Jan 5th, 2008 10:23:37 AM
The long and short is that I dated a near perfect woman in all regards. She was smoking hot, she was geeky, she was smart, she was loaded, she loved watching football and porn. Best of all, she was crazy about me. The only catch is that she was crazy. We often joke the hotter a woman is, the more crazy she is. She once drove her car into a wall to see what it would be like. But the real crazy moment was when she wanted to tie me up, since we liked all the kinky stuff. Usually I tied her up, but I gave it a chance. Except when she had me tied up, she asked if the corkscrew would fit on my penis. I emphatically said no, but she went to the kitchen and then attempted to put Mr. Corkscrew on my penis. I bucked, and broke the headboard. Mr. Corkscrew does not go on Mr. Penis.
OMG these are getting worse as time goes on.... by BetaRayBill07	Jan 5th, 2008 10:37:03 AM
That copy of AVP-R the novel must be around here somewhere to read instead of this crap.......
Roaches by jdfincola	Jan 5th, 2008 11:46:20 AM
I had been dating this woman for about 2 weeks when she finally admitted she still lived at home at age 26. Unfortunately this was the first confession she made in a 24 hour that culminated in me opening a box of triscits to find it infested with roaches, but lets not get ahead of ourselves. We met at Barnes and Nobles a few weeks before when I asked her for help finding an obscure book. It turned out she had actually read it and after locating it we discussed it for a bit. She ended up giving me her number and I left quite the happy man. Our meeting had everything you looked for in "happily ever after". We got together just about every night, but always at my place. I didn't think anything of it though at the time, mostly because the sex was fantastic. Well, the day she told me that she lived at home I think I took it fairly well. Unfortunately she read too much into my acceptance of that fact and the next thing I know we're having dinner with her parents that night at their house. Fifteen minutes into dinner her dad mentions something about a clinic. I give the traditional raised-eyebrows look and he realizes that Liz hadn't said a word about that to me. She freaks out and starts yelling at her father to mind his own business. The yelling goes on for 10 minutes before she runs off to her bedroom, leaving me stranded with her parents. They then tell me about everything. Turns out Liz had been in rehab for the last 3 months. She had gotten into cocaine and from what I gathered lived quite a crazy life filled with coke parties and cops. Since dinner had been essentially canceled her mom asked if I wanted any crackers. I wanted to get the fuck out of there, but was starving so I said yes. Liz's mom returned from the kitchen with a box of triscits. Not wanting to dig my hands into the box I instead opened it and proceeded to pour them into my hand. Three of so triscits fell into my hand and were followed by a dead roach. Not just any kind of roach though. Here in South Carolina they have something they refer to as a Palmetto Bug. It's a nicer way of saying "Giant Fucking Cockroach". The damn thing was 3 inches long and vicious looking. I screamed like an 8 year old girl and threw the crackers and roach into the air. I quietly got my coat and left. Throughout the next week Liz called a few times a day, but I didn't dare answer the phone. To this day I have no idea what ever happened to her, but I'll never forget that night as long as I live.
Entry by TheTornadoKid	Jan 5th, 2008 12:39:19 PM
So I am not going to use names, as this seems to be a very small world lately. This is the story of how I lost my virginity, and was afraid to have sex again for two years. When I was 15 I started dating my first girlfriend. She was gorgeous, brilliant, the Prime Minister of the student body (I am Canadian), and 19. We had been together for a few weeks when the nice little topic of sex rolled around. Now remember, I was 15 and this was my first girlfriend, an experienced and sexy 19 year old. I had never so much as placed a hand on a girl before, and all of the sudden I had one naked underneath (and sometimes on top) of me. I'll admit, I was more than a little nervous, and more than a little awkward. After we had finished up, she wrapped a blanket around us and we went and showered. While showering she suddenly looked mad and left. I followed, and that was when it got crazy. She started crying and yelling at me about how I don't find her attractive and how I wanted more (more? From what, my hand?) Now here I am, a pale, naked, 120 boy standing in front of her, completely scared out of my mind. I did calm her down and we went to sleep. The next day I woke to her sobbing, and we were right back in. This time however, she pulled a razor out and started cutting herself and slapping me. I ran downstairs and called my dad to come pick me up, scared she might end up killing me, and I didn't want to die naked. After getting back upstairs and grabbing some clothes (half of which were hers) and dodging curse words being spit like venom, I calmed her down again and went home. We ended up being together for 11 months, until she went off to University and I was only in grade 11, so she turned even more insane a dumped me. I really did love her though, head over heals. I never had sex with her again, but I did love her. The next time a fucked someone wouldn't be until I was 17, and I removed all shape objects from my room first.
*sharp by TheTornadoKid	Jan 5th, 2008 12:40:38 PM
Fuck there not being an edit button.
How many days until Cloverfield bombs? by leobloom	Jan 5th, 2008 12:41:06 PM

Nurse I used to know by hallmitchell	Jan 5th, 2008 12:49:42 PM
Once. Attacked me with an iron, sicked her dog onto me and once we had a fight in my car. I was doing fifty miles an hour and she tried to jump out of the car on the highway. Also once when I driving the car, she put her foot on the accelerator. She was a caring person though.
Entry: Psyho Ex by noah37	Jan 5th, 2008 02:11:41 PM
My ex-girlfriend and I were in the hooking up but broken up phase. She had been a very normal, down-to-earth girl, but had fallen into some bad stuff. One night she called me to confess an awful night she had, and needed me to bail her out. Doing some drugs and drinking alone, she had found a guy to hook up with on craigslist. She slept with him, did more drugs, drove home and smashed into a taxicab. The driver got out to argue with her, she started hitting him, vomited and passed out in the street. Cops came, woke her up and she punched one of them in the face. They hogtied her as she was flipping out and threw her in the back of the car, where she proceeded o kick out the window. I had to call her parents, who knowing that she needed help, asked me not to bail her out, so I had to leave the girl I still loved in jail to think about what she did. My most psycho ex story.
how about an autographed Coen Brothers one sheet by kafka07	Jan 5th, 2008 02:39:58 PM
from their upcoming "violent" western. that'd be sweet.
Entry: Worst Date Ever by Colier Rannd	Jan 5th, 2008 02:43:43 PM
This isn't so much a relationship thing so I am not holding any illusions I'll win but it might make some of you laugh. Years ago I met a girl named...well let's call her Tonya...because that was her name...anyhow I got up the nerve to ask her out and it turned out a friend was having a party so we went. Now, to me, a situation like this becomes a date when we show up together in the same car and I've bought all her drinks and stuff. Ok? So we go in and we're having a decent time and we all gather around a table to play drinking games. Tonya is sitting on my left, between me and a guy who was a friend of a friend of a friend of mine. As we're talking and laughing I realize Tonya is no longer sitting where she was. I look down and she's giving the other guy head at the table. In front of everyone. It didn't break my heart but it certainly was not the best thing to happen.
Autographed Shawshank Redemption poster contest?? by BetaRayBill07	Jan 5th, 2008 03:04:28 PM
They we could all share our Tales of Prison Rape" to find a winner!!
So we were sitting there... by Zombieflicker	Jan 5th, 2008 03:11:54 PM
at the bar when she leaned over and told me she didn't like movies. Then she told that she had a dick. Worst date ever.
Damn. by mrfan	Jan 5th, 2008 03:26:52 PM
Made up or not: This is some of the funniest shit I have ever read. Kind of afraid to tell mine. Tame compared to some of you.
Who the hell would want that? by zooch	Jan 5th, 2008 03:42:30 PM

My screwed-up relationship by Organs	Jan 5th, 2008 03:48:03 PM
There was once a girl who lived across the street from me, and we got along great. Things got bad quick when she would ask me for a ride to her friend's place. Said friend apparently lives in a very bad part of the Chicago south side. I waited for her and when she got back, she ran to my car, locked the doors, and said "DRIVE! DRIVE!". But I digress. I remember the romantic way she would ring my doorbell at 5 in the morning with a black eye and reeking of Bacardi and telling me she loved me. The relationship ended when she died of a drug overdose. In all honesty, I wish it could have ended in a more practical manner.
Oh yeah, I should add to my "My screwed-up relationship" post... by Organs	Jan 5th, 2008 03:55:22 PM
The relationship lasted two months and the closest thing to sex we had was her going down on me. This was my first blowjob, and let me tell you, there IS such a thing as a bad blowjob! When she sucks ie like a dog tears into a rawhide bone, it's bad.
HAHAHA by Zozma	Jan 5th, 2008 04:26:53 PM
you people are fucked.
only available to the us and canada! by ironic_name	Jan 5th, 2008 06:06:53 PM
thank jesus!
Entry:A breakup and a Flaming jeep by Jeremiah86	Jan 5th, 2008 06:07:34 PM
Well I once dated this girl who was a complete psycho. We moved in together after dating for awhile, and thats when things got bad. We are talking snooping through my phone not wanting me to be out of her site she stopped just short of Boiling a pet for dinner. Then one day, that faithful day we were driving down the highway and my jeep decided to blow up in the middle of rush hour bumper to bumper traffic. I managed to get my jeep to the side of the road. So my jeep is now a ball of fire on the side of the highway and my girlfriend looks at me and asks if she can still walk to the concert leaving me on the side of the road with my flaming heap. So I snap and beging giving her a good what-for that was long since overdue. SO there I stand yelling at my now ex-girlfriend while people in other vehicles are cheering me on. So that is my worst/most memorable breakup
Right hand got jealous and Broke my left's fingers by George Newman	Jan 5th, 2008 06:23:46 PM
masturbation joke.
can we get a signed script of DUMB&DUMBER or something? by George Newman	Jan 5th, 2008 06:28:59 PM
This "prize" will join our boxes of other less-than-worthless bits of "memorabilia."
about as valuable as my signed CROSSGEN comics-- by George Newman	Jan 5th, 2008 06:30:26 PM
you know what I'm gonna say.
Entry #1 Stalker at the Collegia by Detective_Fingerling	Jan 5th, 2008 06:33:39 PM
When I went to PSU, my gf at the time was paranoid that I'd cheat on her, or be too flirty so far away from home, so she drove up to the campus unannounced and stalked me all weekend without talking to me. She gave me a play by play on Sunday of everything I did on Friday and Saturday. That bitch was nuts, but before that she was always a cool girl.
Entry #2 Harpoon Hannah by Detective_Fingerling	Jan 5th, 2008 06:34:08 PM
When I was 15 I semi cheated on the gf at the time and she found out. A week later, I woke up to my dad yelling for me to get out back. She came to my house in the middle of the night, took a metal marker from my moms garden and pierced my pool (got an above ground pool for my birthday) and the hole was so big all the water, save what was below the hole came out and messed up a good 10-15 feet of lawn in my families back yard. Crazy thing was, she was a petite cheerleader who I never took for a strong one.
I went on a movie date with this girl by Bobo_Vision	Jan 5th, 2008 06:57:38 PM
She made me take her to "Chicago". I had to sit through the entire fucking thing. Where's my prize?
Entry#1 by Lashlarue	Jan 5th, 2008 07:01:06 PM
My girlfriend slept with my father. I cannot watch the movie DAMAGE as a result of this.
jedimindflayer by nascentia	Jan 5th, 2008 07:15:21 PM
Dude, believe me, I know it sounds absolutely insane. But it's all true, I swear to whatever God or deity you want me to swear to. If Quint wants actual PROOF, well, they have my e-mail address, and I can at least give a link to her myspace profile, which is more than enough to back me up. I'm not going to give that out publicly though.
Talented Mr Ripley by antonphd	Jan 5th, 2008 07:27:02 PM
I was going to college and I worked at a movie theater. Back when you could still screen a film before release with employees and their friends and families. It was either Christmas Eve or New Years Eve, can't remember exactly. I just remember that I invited a friend of mine and a friend of his to see The Talented Mr Ripley. During the movie it became increasingly apparent to me that my friend was exactly like Mr Ripley. It was very disturbing. To make a long story short... a number of months later I was rushing out to my car with him running behind me with a 2x4 yelling about how he was going to kill me. As I was starting my car and he was hitting the door with the 2x4 I realised that my friend was out of his mind. What had him trying to kill me? I fast forwarded the shower gang rape scene in American History X, not wanting to watch what I was afraid would be too realistic a scene, considering the earlier teeth on the sidewalk kicking scene in the film. I didn't talk with him for a long time after that. We had been friends, well, I was his friend because I kinda felt sorry for him, but it had been for years. We had a mutual friend who I worked for and he sometimes house sat for, they felt sorry for him too. I was in college for Computer Science. I was hired for a job programming on campus. I got a phone call saying they changed their mind after they recieved a bad reference even though they'd already hired me. I asked who gave it. They said it was the friends I worked with, well, it was someone who worked for them now. Turned out, it was my old friend taking a bit of revenge. When our friends found out, they were shocked and pissed at him. Then they found that he was going to websites on their computer, while housesitting, looking for sniper rifles. Freaked them out. They told him they needed some time apart. He went ballistic, telling every one he knew how he was being betrayed. They all heard his story and started getting freaked out by him too. It all ended in him at my doorstep telling me that he wanted to kill me. And me moving the fuck out of town and becoming unlisted. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. He was a missionary. He went overseas for a while and where he went he had to deal with frogs all over place. He started to kill them. And he said when he came back home, he went thru withdrawls from killing the frogs. He tried to make up for it running over animals. That should have been my first clue to move far away. Long before he made threats to kill me. It's just too insane to believe someone is like that in real life though. Especially, your friend.
Talented Mr Ripley - part 2 by antonphd	Jan 5th, 2008 07:36:10 PM
Oh, yeah, forgot to mention. When he told me he wanted to kill me, he also said that there might be something to my creeped out feeling sometimes that he wanted to be more than friends. Not that I think there is anything wrong with being gay, but, when one person isn't gay, the other person shouldn't be freaking about the fact that they may be gay and in denial while also acting creepy about it all. I have had gay friends. They didn't creep me out. It's not the gay part... it's the way my friend looked at me like... I don't know... like Mr Ripley looked at people in the movie. Love and Hate at the same time. Makes me freaked out just remembering it. One more thing. I heard that he was pissed at me for marrying a girl he had briefly liked, but decided wasn't good enough for him. Apparently, he was saying that she was his, not mine and that I had stolen her from him. That was part of the story he told that started freaking all of his friends out. My wife, couldn't have been less interested in him. And she and I hooked up after he and I were friends anymore. Months later.
My Crazy Story by Sro100	Jan 5th, 2008 08:02:08 PM
The first night this girl invited me over to her place and she took too many sleeping pills and passed out. Then she was cutting an apple at my place and "accidentally" cut herself. Blood all over the place. Went to the pier and she threatened to jump and I tried to restrain her and the she told the cops I was harassing her. She showed up later that night at my door. It went on and on. Until I had to decide is incredible sex worth absolute craziness? Well yes. For a time at least. The End.
how do we know what email account is connected to this? by s0nicdeathmonkey	Jan 5th, 2008 08:11:40 PM
because I have an amazing story.
Am I in the right support group? by buffywrestling	Jan 5th, 2008 09:40:21 PM
I yelled at my drunk ex to go to bed as he stumbled around the room and knocked the kitchen table over. He slapped me once, blacking my eye, then slapped me again and I remember something splashing up into my eye (blood from mouth), then he threw me through a closet door.
I will enter this contest... by SubliminalJones	Jan 5th, 2008 10:53:22 PM
just for the chance to be able to cut this treasure into little squares and then wipe my ass with them , as that's about what it's worth.
Here's my story.... by wackybantha	Jan 5th, 2008 11:20:13 PM
Oh, I just realized....I don't really want an autographed Farrelly Brothers poster. Good thing, too, cause my story sucked!
Who the fuck wants to win this? by Sledge Hammer	Jan 6th, 2008 12:47:29 AM
Honestly? I mean, G-sauce... Anyway, my congratulations to all who don't win this contest, my commiserations to the poor, sad bastard who does win, and respect to those who don't even enter. My prediction: this will be the only 'exclusive to the US and Canada' competition that no one from the rest of the world even remotely complains about missing out on in this site's history...
Hey Bobo_Vision by Horace Cox	Jan 6th, 2008 12:51:27 AM
You think you had it bad? I had to sit through the stage version of CHICAGO with my woman when we were on vacation in NYC. Then afterward we went into an Irish bar, paid $10 per drink, and she got so hammered she threw up in the hotel elevator and passed out on the bed before performing the blowjob she promised for making me sit through the performance. The rest of the trip was tits though.
One crazy-ass bitch by zacdilone	Jan 6th, 2008 01:44:38 AM
I suppose the craziest, most screwed up, psychotic girl I ever dated was the one who offered me an autographed Farrelly brothers poster. Talk about certifiable...can you think of anything sicker than that?
A interesting story..heartbreaking too. by dagonet	Jan 6th, 2008 02:00:46 AM
I was getting ready for my first year of college. Moving to a new area, starting a new life is hard for anyone, and, partially out of necessity, mostly out of desperation, I turned to the internet for some help. Now, in the mid ninties, AOL was the way to go, and I found a few people on AOL that were going to the same college as me. One in particular caught my interest. We interacted online for about a month before moving to college. The day that we moved into the dorms, I came to see her. Needless to say, I thought she was cute, but there wasn't any chemistry. Besides, at that time, she was nursing a long term relationship and it wasn't long afterwards that I got into one as well. Fast forward five years. I was working my job as a waiter (don't laugh...this is Los Angeles...everyone is a waiter) and who do I see walk into my restaurant...but the girl from college. She's matured a great deal from a little cutie into a full on gorgeous woman. We hit it off immediately and went to dinner the next night. There is only one word to describe this: chemistry. Within minutes, our relationship was extremely close. We went to a wonderful dinner, saw a romantic comedy afterwards, shared a first kiss outside the theater in front of the fountain. We went back to her apartment and had extremely passionate sex. And this...is where things go a little wrong. During this passionate lovemaking, (I'm trying to remain as PG-13 as possible), lets just say that "Aunt Flow" came to visit. Not your typical little dribble but a TORRENTIAL FLOOD of monthly visitor. It was dark at this time. How was I supposed to know that something "bloody" was happening. I thought she was turned on, I thought she was wet. Boy was I wrong. She screamed, I screamed, she ran to the bathroom, and I was left covered in blood. A scene similar to something out of an 80s horror flick. And to make matters worse, one of the cats was watching the whole thing. After we both calmed down a bit (okay, it was a little funny), we had make-up sex in the shower: a little easier to clean up. And where is she now? We dated for a few months. She ended up marrying her high school sweetheart (he's so gay...no really gay, I met the dude. We're talking Sean Hayes gay) and taking partial custody of his kid from another relationship. She moved to another city and we don't talk anymore. But I'll never forget the night that started as a dream, and ended as a nightmare fresh from an episode of Tales from the Crypt. So...do I send my address or what?
Oh geez, get over it, people! by Organs	Jan 6th, 2008 02:24:50 AM
I never saw the movie and I hate these sort of movies, but I entered anyway. I don't think my soul will get tarnished in so doing. It's just a contest, entry is free and easy, and in the event that I somehow win, then I'll think it's neat, regardless if I plan to put it on my wall or not.
Alister Crowley got me by ShiniGamiSan	Jan 6th, 2008 04:46:39 AM
I'm almost 50, but about 25 years ago, I was reading allot of Crowley, Nag Hamaddi, etc bullshit. Anyway, I got in a huge fight with my "fiance'". She was one of those people that liked to fight. Constant Drama. Anyway, I got in a huge fight with her, and went back to my apartment. On the wall, I had an original T. David Norton painting, and I pulled it off the wall. I went thru all the bullshit ceremonies. Called on all 4 points, put candles at all points, drew all the symbols in the correct stroke order to invoke and not banish, and then marked all with my blood. I was REALLY full of hate over this Bullshit. (Don't worry, I'm way over this shit.) Anyway, I do all the rituals, and focus my hatred, and then burn a few of her personal things in the center of the ring. I then do the last right, of holding my wrist in a candle flame for 1 minute. I then seemed to get some rationality, forgot this shit, and put the painting back on the wall. Bed time for me. About 3 AM, was a huge lightning flash, my power went off, and I heard a huge crash in my living room. I grab a flashlight to see what the noise was. There in the middle of the floor, was the painting, back side up. It had also done a 45 degree flip, so the bottom of it was facing me. Goosebumps went up my arms. I put the painting back on the wall, and went to bed again. Next day, I'm talking to a girl, that's friends with me, and my girlfriend. She's really worked up. Seems my girlfriend was driving in the rain at the same time I ended my ritual. She said my girlfriend had been driving down the road, saw a big flash of lighting, and she felt someone grab the wheel, and run her off the road. She hit a tree at low speed, and was no injuries. I don't believe in this shit, but I never did this again. This was just too weird.
Heres one for the pages by phalaughul	Jan 6th, 2008 05:29:01 AM
dated a girl from an all girl school, at this time i was attending an all boy school, went out for a couple of months, switched schools, later found out she was cheating on me with another girl...... but wait....... then i found out that she hooked up with my cousin at a party ( he was a senior at that time, she was a sophomore), never talked to her again, my cousin i eventually forgave. fucked up huh
am i on chud.com? by birdy birdman	Jan 6th, 2008 06:18:11 AM
just kidding... but SERIOUSLY PEOPLE WHAT THE FUCK why is there more activity here than on the [REC] boards, a film which genuinely kicks fucking ass!
seriously... by birdy birdman	Jan 6th, 2008 06:20:58 AM
Heartbreak Kid Poster Contest Thread's last activity was 6:18:11. [REC] - badass posterchild AICN horror flick that Harry would probably be hyping if everyone wasnt going to jump all over him for being in bed with either Spain, the Dowdle toetag pics reject hacks, or vampires and werewolves (i remember the magic of aicn). let's ALL GO OVER TO THE REC TALKBACKS AND TALK ABOUT INFECTION FILMS
i'll bring the weed by birdy birdman	Jan 6th, 2008 06:21:16 AM

HERE IS MY POINT by birdy birdman	Jan 6th, 2008 06:22:58 AM
anyways my point was the last activity in the [rec] talkback was YESTERDAY at 3 fuckin PM. i fear for the spirit of this site sometimes, but headgeek continues to keep it fuckin real, let there be no dispute.
WTF!? by FILMFUNK	Jan 6th, 2008 07:53:43 AM
Crazy frog killers, Big Orange Soda throwers! Psycho Macaroni fuckers!? I'm outa here!
I could win but by Dazzler69	Jan 6th, 2008 12:12:05 PM
no way I am posting that.
I hope by TheBlackKnight	Jan 6th, 2008 12:35:28 PM
nobody missed the presence of Tonny Jaa in The "Heartbreak Kid".
FUCK by TheBlackKnight	Jan 6th, 2008 12:36:01 PM
Tony. Well, there goes that joke.
Dagonet by Grise26	Jan 6th, 2008 01:04:09 PM
that was fucking lame. A lot of these ares, but seriously, have you ever had a relationship with a woman? A woman who doesn't know when she is going to get her period? Especially when she has a tsunami for a flow? Seriously, that was a dumb, made up, story.
BEST.....TALKBACK.....EVER!!!!! by BetaRayBill07	Jan 6th, 2008 02:27:20 PM
This shit is fucking hilarious- we must have more contests like this!!!!!
I feel very, very normal by TerryMalloy	Jan 6th, 2008 04:33:03 PM
Thank you AICN
I took a girl to a lake one time... by IAmJack'sUserID	Jan 6th, 2008 05:31:23 PM
And then I told her about how I hate sand and how it gets everywhere, and I think this is where the trouble started. But that night she was rockin some tight hot leather goods, and we hung out a bit in a room with a huge fireplace. But I got no action. Eventually, we married, she got pregnant, and I tried to kill her and my best friend because they were against me...or something. Well she died and I became Darth Vader and then my son killed me, even though I thought he was dead. The end.
Entry by Prossor	Jan 6th, 2008 07:39:13 PM
Here's a corker for yall. I was dating on and off this chick for 2 years, we met in high school, anyway i talked to this other girl and she thought i was flirting so she got pissed, we argued occasionally, it was like a love-hate thing and she said that she would "kill you, pendejo" that is Clue 1 there. The sex was da bomb yo we did it in all sorts of positions, even attempted a cartwheel thing. One day i come in the apartment and notice the door is open, at this point i see a dude on the bed and go "Bob. I mean Fred, what are you doing here?" And he just says "Oh the door was open and that bed looked comfy so i thought i would lie here" and she just started smashing her head against the wall. i was suspicious at first but when i tried that bed hot damn it WAS comfy, he asked where we bought it and i told him and the next day he bought it himself, i believe it was one of those brands that starts with S like on that commercial with that dude who looks like Professor Meinheimer from Naked Gun Two: Two and a Half whose in a wharehouse for mattresses and jumps up arms stretched talking about it. One time i'm opening a box of cereal and i see a cobra come out and i say "i hate snakes Jacque! I hate em!" and she was also eating some cereal while she cut herself with razors saying how they just fell on her from the top cabinet. Once she came from a coke party, and they were doing coke lines, came home trashed and smashing everything in the house with a baseball bat saying how she hated me. Clue 2 right there. One day i see her all over this one dude practically dry humping him and i say "wtf is your problem whore" then we argue for 30 minutes and start throwing drinks at each other and this 10 foot copper approaches looking like the fucking Hulk saying how if we didnt leave hed "HULK SMASH" us, this was a time before the Hulk would just smash btw. Then we start arguing and i say how she shouldnt of thrown that baby through teh window and she reveals a huge vase and smashing it in my head as it exploded into many shards. Clue 3 for yall. One day i decided to go to her apartment since i havent been there a year and she said she was out with a friend, it's unusually dark there, i smell something really rank and proceed to cautiously go in the bedroom when i see a gnarled looking dried corpse tied to the bed and there are air fresheners hanging on the ceiling, dipped in cunt blood too so it was pretty rank in there, as we approached it it suddenly came alive and released a screeching wimper with bulged eyes and I realized it was Fred!! A note attached saying he'd been there a year and sorry for letting him in the apartment and how she also wanted to kill me. Clue number 4 i thought. But man was she a great fuck pupet so i just shrugged it off. Still though i started packing a piece just in case. My friends and I came home from a night of drinking and were waiting outside while me and 1 entered and saw her smiling while we were jumped by some goons with guns and she grabbed a chainsaw tying him up in the bathroom tub saying how i should give her the money and all and he was cut up and i got tied up then my friends came in blasting with their machine guns and i somehow got out of it throught the hair of my neck, i forgave her and we had aerial sex that night. Then i caught her with her high school ex going at it so i skinned his fucking face off and created a skin mask for myself, and took her chainsaw before running her ass down and impaling her, then we made up and did teh nasty again, the tradeoffs of her crazyness made up for the great sex!!
My tale by Allfather Starr	Jan 6th, 2008 07:45:03 PM
Not really a psycho woman story, but I broke this girl's heart one time, me and her were fuckbuddies, both in our teens. Her mate from boarding school came down to visit, the fuckbuddy passed out pissed in the living room, so I took the mate to the bedroom, started to get down to some naughtiness, and then the fuckbuddy walked in just as I was using a courgette (zuccini) on the boarding school mate. Ha ha ha! Fuckbuddy stormed out, the mate shrugged it off so I painted her boobs with those red white and blue circle markings like you get on spitfires, and then stuck a strepsil (throat lozenge) up her. I miss the 90s.
Not gross, but fucked up... by Francis Begbie	Jan 6th, 2008 08:43:39 PM
I met this girl through a friend of mine, we went on two dates, the second date we went to dinner then to see Bourne Ultimatum, there was a bar in the theater and she knew the bartender from high school back in the day, she asked how the bartender was and the bartender said "alive i guess" so my date decided me and her would do a shot, she toasted "to being alive", I dropped her off later that night and didn't even get a kiss. I wasn't happy about that, we are both in our 20's and I paid for two dates. I didn't call her or anything for two weeks, I went to her facebook page after two weeks and saw all these posts that said "Rest In Peace", so I looked up her name in google news and found out she fucking died in a car accident two weeks after toasting "to being alive" with me. True Story, if you need proof just email me and i'll give you her name. None of my friends will toast "to being alive" with me now if we drink.
not the normal kind of jailbait by photo	Jan 6th, 2008 08:49:22 PM
I was screwing around with a girl 20 years my junior (she was 18). She called on night when we were supposed to get together, "I can't come over tonight. My boyfriend got out of jail early."
Cheating is a very VERY fucked idea... I learned. by FlyinHawaiian	Jan 7th, 2008 12:59:30 AM
I was with this girl last year, and we had been dating for a good seven months. Things were going great I guess, but I started seeing this other girl on the side. Eventually I began liking the other girl alot, but didn't know how to break it. Then one day my girlfriend approaches me and asks how she got STDs, wondering if I was cheating on her. I flipped the FUCK OUT and got tested. Sure enough, I've got STDs and told her I'd been cheating. Here's the best part: I find out, that the girl I was seeing on the side didn't have STDs, but got it from me. And my gf had been cheating on me since THREE MONTHS in and THAT'S how she got fucking STDs. Not through me. I contact the guy on myspace, find out where he lives, and beat the shit out of him. A night in jail, restraining order, and removal from top 8 status on myspace (oh no!), and that's the story. Proof: My word and restraining order.
FlyinHawaiian by Prossor	Jan 7th, 2008 02:12:56 AM
you actually beat teh shit outa him? that some crazy shit. howd it happen?
Indeed by FlyinHawaiian	Jan 7th, 2008 03:16:23 AM
First I saw him on her myspace and found out where he lived through my exes friends. I went over to his house, and I wasn't planning on fighting him, but it just kind of happened. In his front yard. And beer was not a factor in my decision...at all... The cops arrested me and I stayed over night and then sure enough, the restraint orders pile in. The shitty thing is that I didn't hook up with the other girl after this bullshit either(she was mad), so I kind of lost out, but it's definetely a story worth telling I suppose. And the STDs were taken care of no worries. Whew.
I'm the only one here by cornponious	Jan 7th, 2008 06:24:37 AM
who has actually offered any kind of tangible proof. Suck it.
Entry: Curtis (Jesus) by Flying Spaghetti Monster	Jan 7th, 2008 09:32:04 AM
Well, me and my girlfriend Mary were totally waiting to do the nasty until we got married. I mean of course I wanted to fuck the hell outta her but noooo, her Pops was all, "You touch my daughter before you tie the knot and I'll chop of your balls and feed them to Bill (the family goat)." So I was like ok. Well every night she fucking teased the hell outta me, you know how women do. So I'm working my 9 to 5 building houses and crosses and what not and I finally decide that me and Mary are gonna go for it. Fuck it ya know? So I get home, drink this special wine we have been saving and get hammered. I end up laying the fucking pipe to her, but one problem, I forgot to pull out. Yep I fucking forgot to pull out. Guess what?! She got fucking pregnant. We tried to hide it for as long as we could but finally Mary's Dad asked us about it. What did she say? Some angels came to her in her sleep and impregnated her, without being touched!! And her dad believed it!!! I shit you not, and my nads have stayed intact since. So Jesus (I like the name Curtis, but Mary insisted) is five now and I wont tell him what really happened until his grandpa kicks the bucket.
Entry: So, this one time, in college... by Writemakesright	Jan 7th, 2008 10:12:38 AM
Straddled by a Russian co-ed with an unpronounceable last name, making out in the linoleum basement of the student union at ten minutes to twelve. She stops, and, staring me straight in the eyes, asks: 'Are you afraid of death?'
For the past 14 years.... by BitterMan23	Jan 7th, 2008 10:43:40 AM
I have been repeatedly subjecting myself to films from a pair of likable guys who unfortunately can never translate their inherent charm or humor onto the screen. It has cost me several wasted hours and dollars. I think that's my most fucked up relationship.
oh why not by Bloo	Jan 7th, 2008 11:56:18 AM
I doubt I have a chance to win or even if I want to win, crap I'm not even sure what email I have registered here but I THINK it's my current one anyways I was working at this grocery store in college as I had all through High School, but I digress, anyways, I was working at this grocery store and there was this girl that I really liked. We would party quite often. I was working for my student paper a tthe time as a movie reviwer and struck a deal with my grocery store that if I could get a video for review before it hit shelves for rent on Tuesday I would give them a plug, etc. So when the Robert DiNiro/Ethan Hawke/Uma Thurman version of Great Expectations came out, I had my hands on it and was going to review it that night. I wasn't feeling well at all that night so I was just going to watch the movie and veg out on my couch and get to feeling better. WEll the girl I liked really wanted to see this movie and wanted to come over and watch it. She's all flirting with me, etc, so I tell her "I'm not feeling good I don't know if you should come over" but she's insisting, so I'm like "ok whatever". We're laying there watching the movie and IT hits me, the all knowing feeling I'm going to have to puke, I get up and start running to the bathroom and before I can make it, well I belw chunks all over the floor. She gets me to the bathroom, helps me clean up the mess, etc, nurses me a little that night but she never came back over after that and broke my heart. Well not really, but nothing did come out of that. And I still don't think I ever saw Great Expections in it's entrity
Contest Entry by seven-ate-9	Jan 7th, 2008 01:11:02 PM
Here's the backstory: I dated my best friend's ex-girlfriend for a few months a few years back. I found out that another girl was interested in dating me so I actually broke up with my current girl by phone the same day the second Matrix movie came out. I wanted to see the flick so bad that I actually debated waiting until after the movie to do it, but felt the phone would be so much safer. Flash forward a year and half or so and I've decided to take my new girlfriend on a cruise to Bermuda to propose marriage. First afternoon on the ship and my girl is playing a slot machine. I take a walk and who do I run into but the ex-girlfriend and her entire family! What the hell are the odds? Of course the family is not so pleased to see me. A quick "holy crap" hello and I'm gone. So, as I'm walking back to the slot machine, I'm thinking to myself, "Do I say nothing and act surprised if we run into them again (small ship mind you) or tell my girl straight out and somehow convince her that in a few days when I propose, none of this b.s. will matter?" I go with the honest route. I deal with a few harsh words from my girl and then deal with the family members haunting me the entire week ("What, no ring?", "You gonna phone this one in too?"). I finally propose later that week on Bermuda and we're still married today with a 3-month old. And of course you know I named my first born Neo. Just kidding.
Entry: Girlfriend Killed Hobo, Frames Me. by SkeletonParty	Jan 7th, 2008 03:07:57 PM
My girlfriend and I had just gone on a date in L.A. I bought a pizza on my credit card, but the pizza took so long to show up that we decided to box the whole thing up and take it home. We were walking downtown and there are a lot of homeless guys sitting in doorways. So, each time a guy asked us for a dollar I just gave him a slice of pizza. My girlfriend was bitching at me the whole time that giving these people food you just encourage them to not work. She was getting angrier and angrier. By the time we got down to the last piece of pizza she was irate. The last hobo looks at the last slice of pizza and says, "You got any pepperoni?" This was the last straw. My girlfriend beats him to death and throws the pizza box on him. By the time the cops arrived my girlfriend had already taken a taxi home. The police saw the receipt taped to the top of the box and linked it to my credit card purchase. My girlfriend denied ever being with me that night and the pizza parlor had been too busy to notice her. I got ten days in the pokey. I can laugh about it now. That was probably the second worst date of my life. I can honestly say she's changed a lot and she makes a wonderful wife and mother to my children.
ENTRY: A Restraining Order by mwrisner	Jan 7th, 2008 03:29:14 PM
Okay, here goes. My then-wife and I are at the rocky end of our marriage. I needed to get away for a few days, so I decided to go visit my folks who have a kick-ass house right on the water of a kick-ass lake. I got a plane ticket and got off work a few hours early to go home and get a few things to take. Well, my getting-more-insane-by-the-min ute wife didn't go to work that day, so she was lying in wait. While I'm tossing my clothes in a duffel, I suddenly get an unexpected face full of Insane Woman (insert Psycho music here). She's wondering to what slut's house I'm going. She's wondering aloud how long the relationship with said "slut" has been going on. She also suddenly thinks my manhood is on the smallish side now. My strategy: Keep my mouth shut since attorneys love to hear how the scum-sucking husband verbally abused his callow wife. Anyway, just as I'm about to get in my truck and flee Insane World, I get a slap-scratch across my face. Boy, won't that look good when the attendant asks if I want something to drink? After slap-scratch, Insane Woman gets these big wide eyes, mutters something, and runs back into the house. Hmm. I get in the truck and drive off. I fly off to Kick-Ass Lake for a few days of R&R. So all good things must come to an end, so it's time to go home. My parents have a "sit-down" talk with me. You know the kind: They know more about life than you, and you need to "sit down" to hear it correctly. They convince me to take their motor home back to a KOA near my work and live in it until "things blow over." So I forfeit my return airline ticket, and take my new digs back home. I pick up my truck from the airport parking lot and go straight to work. NOW HERE'S THE FUCKED UP PART: On my voice mail are 3 messages from the County Sheriffs left on the day I got the slap-scratch. I learn on the third message that a restraining order has been taken out on me (??!!!!). I get a slap-scratch. I get to live in a Southwind. AND I get a restraining order. Well, they say good things come in threes, right? So it's a good thing I didn't hop on that return flight and show up at my house at 11 PM, because by 11:30 I would've been arrested. Thankfully, I listened during that "sit down" talk. Two days later, the judge that issued the order heard my side of things and nearly threw Insane Woman in jail for perjury. Four months later, I was divorced from Insane Woman. Insane Woman got the hell out of my house. And I lived happily ever after ... except when Insane Woman kept calling and trying to get back together with me. I guess she was living up to the first part of her nickname.
Haha, you guys are fucked up. by Gwai Lo	Jan 7th, 2008 04:01:53 PM
Makes me feel better about myself.
McFly by TerryMalloy	Jan 7th, 2008 08:30:43 PM
What is your deal with Harry's review of Superman? Let it go. This is the second time I've seen this exact same post. No one cares.
This CAN'T be a real contest?!?! by Violator90	Jan 7th, 2008 08:38:03 PM
A singed poster. wow :\|
I wish by TerryMalloy	Jan 7th, 2008 08:49:33 PM
Being employed sounds like fun.
No, seriously by TerryMalloy	Jan 7th, 2008 08:50:37 PM
What is your deal with SR
I've got some fucking doozies. by Harry Weinstein	Jan 7th, 2008 09:27:08 PM
That I won't be sharing because that's an awful poster for an awful movie. If I'm going to exploit my misery at the hands of women, it will be for cold, hard cash.
im the heartbreak kid! by shogunshin	Jan 7th, 2008 09:40:23 PM
the farellys are great, ben stiller is great, i was working insane hours during the summer, so i missed this flick. so i am looking forward to it on dvd, and a poster would be spectacular! thanks for a great contest quint, i hope you do this more often.
My heartbreak story. I saw this movie by skywalkerfamily	Jan 8th, 2008 02:29:58 AM
it sucked.
Heartbreak stories? From The AICN faithful? Sure... by MMacKK	Jan 8th, 2008 02:43:52 AM
Because this is the crowd that has the best luck with women... Anyway, this is my entry. I'm Australian. And haven't seen this movie.
Entry: Athens, Greece: Beautiful Painting: Cruise Drummer by johnnyoj	Jan 9th, 2008 02:47:28 PM
Man, oh man. Finally this story will maybe win me something more than a few laughs and the occasional beer won at some dive bar for the worst breakup story ever. The old cliche fits far better here than anywhere, 'You can't make this shit up' Rose. Beautiful name, beautiful girl, but what a thorn this one had. It all began many years ago, dated for about 6 months or so, and decided that a really nice trip to cruise around the Greek islands would be a nice break. Were having a few problems, but decided to make the best of it and both go and have a good time. We were at least friendly, or I thought. It went bad quickly. First stop, Athens, Greece. Quick layover before boarding the boat. Strolling through the market, Rose comes upon a really nice painting, but really large, crazy large. I suggested we pick it up on our way back through rather than lugging it around for the next week and a half. All heck breaks loose, yelling, screaming, saying I don't care enough about her, won't carry her painting around, and on and on. Immediately determines that we are finished, right now, no questions. She spewed something along the lines of, "I thought I could make this work, but you just don't care. Hail a cab, ass, and get us back to the boat" You're thinking, no big deal, breaks up with you on the first day of a 10 day trip through the Greek islands. Well, it gets worse. Turns out, not only does she want to break up, she seems intent on making my life miserable for the whole trip. Night 1 of the cruise, she strikes up a conversation with the drummer of the cruise band. Day 2 begins a nightly stay in his bunk in the bowels of the boat as each morning around 5 AM, she wanders back into our room and proceeds to try and get in bed with me. This isn't a Carnival boat with 5000 passengers, this boat had about 650. I was forced to not only hear this guy play horrible drums every night as this was pretty much the only entertainment, but also to see them together during the off times all over the place. My favorite was the mashing in the pool as I tried to get some drinks at the bar. My only consolation. Another guy on the trip, there with his parents, was supposed to have his fiance with him. She dumped him right before the trip. Needless to say, we had a lot to drink about. Anyway...I could go on...we broke up after we got back.
and the winner is ? by phalaughul	Jan 13th, 2008 01:01:11 AM

Me! by garrettbenn	Jan 14th, 2008 10:18:16 AM
I'm the winner!
by JimmyJingles	Jan 15th, 2008 12:38:13 PM
She is the short bitch from "2 Girls 1 Cup" 'Nuff Said
?????? by nascentia	Jan 16th, 2008 04:48:57 PM
So is the winner ever going to be announced?
Entry- by Violator90	Jan 16th, 2008 08:20:32 PM
Ok, so my (ex)girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa and we were getting hot and steamy and then I let Rob Zombie remake that especial moment. . . then she left me there hanging. So where is my shitty poster.
Violator90 by FlyinHawaiian	Jan 17th, 2008 01:18:57 AM
The contest is over. And your attempt and being funny is a goat fuck of a mess. Go shoot yourself.
Farrelly Remake: Monster Squad by JBouganim1	Jan 18th, 2008 04:34:12 PM

Did anybody actually win this thing? by Agent Blue	Jan 19th, 2008 07:10:10 PM

WELL WHAT THE by FlyinHawaiian	Jan 20th, 2008 03:25:58 PM
FUCK. I've been checking my e-mail for any sign of winning and nothing. :( Oh well.
Not yet... by cornponious	Jan 21st, 2008 06:06:01 AM
* sigh *
FlyinHawaiian by jdfincola	Jan 23rd, 2008 05:07:35 PM
Entries such as yours is probably the reason it takes a while to choose a winner. They have to wade through the bogus made up bull shit and pick something that may be true. It's actually kind of sad that you're checking your email looking for signs of notification. In the future if you're going to make up stories, especially those involving STDs, it would help to do a little research. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, ever says, "I've got STDs." STD=Sexually transmitted diseases. For example, AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome), Genital Warts, Gonorrhea ,Syphilis, Herpes, Chlamydia, Pubic Lice (Crabs), etc. People do say "That bitch gave me Gonorrhea!" or "Remember the blonde from last Saturday? Turns out she had crabs, I've just about scratched my balls off." Bottom line, if you're going to lie at least learn how to do it. Work on your dialogue. Oh, and not that I feel the need to explain my knowledge of STDs, but I'm finishing my MPH and considering pursuing doctoral studies in Epidemiology.
Well by FlyinHawaiian	Jan 24th, 2008 04:38:04 AM
I don't really want to know your life story. For the sake of my story, which is real mind you, I used STDs. It's not not important to know what I got, but it's gone now. Whether you believe me or not is up to you, work on what dialogue? There's nothing to work on unless I mistype something on accident or put a period in the wrong place. But thanks for over analyzing my entry, I hope this puts you in your place.
No winner yet? by cornponious	Mar 2nd, 2008 08:52:11 PM
sigh That's HTML MAGIC!
Of course nobody won by NoahTall	Apr 13th, 2008 12:52:35 PM
Haven't any of you looked at Quint's contest history? He usually takes 6 months to a year to judge something that he says he will finish by the weekend. He always has time for reviews but never finishes up his contests until he is nagged into it.
Test by YakMalla	May 15th, 2008 09:33:51 AM
Nobody is reading this, so I'm going to see if I can figure out how to insert a line between paragraphs. OK, go! How's that?
Test II by YakMalla	May 15th, 2008 09:35:21 AM
OK, hitting "enter" twice doesn't work. How about a bunch of spaces? OK.
Test III by YakMalla	May 15th, 2008 12:59:43 PM
Ah. < p >, without the spaces. With one space on either end. With two spaces. Three.
good idea. by Cotton McKnight	May 24th, 2008 11:37:55 AM
I am going to try doing that as well. this is my attempt to see if I can create a line break.
YAY! by Cotton McKnight	May 24th, 2008 11:39:06 AM
Okay that worked. Just putting < p > at the end of the sentence did it. PS- This is the worst contest ever.
I wish they'd hurry and announce me as winner. by cornponious	Jun 6th, 2008 06:45:27 PM
I mean, really. I've waited 5 months.
No. :( by cornponious	Jun 6th, 2008 08:25:31 PM
No offense, of course. And I already know how to make line breaks.
Perhaps by cornponious	Sep 7th, 2008 08:28:15 PM
there will be a winner announced during the 2010 World Equestrian Games, held at the Kentucky Horse Park in beautiful Lexington, KY.

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