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Play and Laugh... VINCE VAUGHN'S WILD WEST COMEDY SHOW Joke Contest!

the pedophile in the woods by Kloipy	Jan 29th, 2008 08:10:00 AM
A little girl and a pedophile walk into the woods one night. The little girl turns to the pedophile and says "I'm scared". The pedophile looks at her and says "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone tonight!" ***** I'm probably dinging all pedophile jokes, they're just too common in this crowd. a disturbing fact...
lol by Flying Spaghetti Monster	Jan 29th, 2008 08:16:03 AM

Joke by MightyOs	Jan 29th, 2008 08:18:00 AM
Q. What's E.T. short for? A. He only has little legs :) ***** my six year old is in stitches.
Combined SPF: 450 by Aquatarkusman	Jan 29th, 2008 08:22:39 AM
Wow, that's a lot of pasty.
I Take It Back by Aquatarkusman	Jan 29th, 2008 08:23:52 AM
Several of the participants appeared to have permanently bronzed, a weird condition for somebody who inhabits squalid laff-shacks.
Joke by popecorky	Jan 29th, 2008 08:24:00 AM
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a scotsman? The Rolling Stones say "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" while a scotsman says "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!" ***** the plaid dresses they wear are funnier.
Guy walks into a bar by TSquared	Jan 29th, 2008 08:25:00 AM
A Guy walks into a bar and asks the Bartenders for 5 shots of the strongest stuff he has. The Bartender lines them up and the Guy shoots them down. The bartender says " A man Drinks like that He must have a Reason." The Guy says " Well, just now, back in the alley I had my first ever blow job." The Bartender laughs and says " Really? Well congrats son, have one more on the house." The Guy shakes his head and says " No thanks, if Five shots didn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will." ***** funny
JOKE by stalfos	Jan 29th, 2008 08:25:00 AM
The Pope, a robot, and a Vietnamese tranny walk into a bar and the bartender goes, "Whoa, this is the weirdest joke I've ever been in.." ***** funny
Joke by skintandminted	Jan 29th, 2008 08:26:00 AM
What's red and invisible? .............................. .............No Tomatoes ***** mmm,no DING
Jokely Joke by Aquatarkusman	Jan 29th, 2008 08:27:50 AM
(hold up middle and index finger) "Why should women use these two fingers to masturbate?" "Because they're mine."
JOKE by Sledge Hammer	Jan 29th, 2008 08:28:00 AM
Vince Vaughn's career. ***** and I am sure you are doing much better, now give me my change! DING
Joke by PhonicsMonkey	Jan 29th, 2008 08:31:00 AM
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together when they see a little boy sitting all alone on a bench. The priest nudges the rabbi and says "Hey, you see that little boy? Let's go over there and fuck him." The rabbi looks at the priest and says "Out of what?" ***** now this one slags both religions... that works.
JOKE by powercube	Jan 29th, 2008 08:31:00 AM
Why is sex the best with twenty-three year-olds? If one starts crying for her mommy, you still have 19 of them left. ***** it is probably better as spoken word, in jail. short-eyes. DING
JOKE by palewook	Jan 29th, 2008 08:31:00 AM
Recently divorced woman finds a washed up lamp on an empty beach. Takes the lamp home, while scrubbing the lamp clean, a genie pops out. Offering her 3 wishes, but with a warning, "whatever you ask for, your worst enemy will receive twice that." She asks for, "100 million dollars and to look 10 years younger." the genie responds, "done. and now your ex-husband has 200 million dollars and looks 20 years younger." She considers her last wish for a minute, then says, "Ok, scare me half to death." ***** funny
JOKE by wazza	Jan 29th, 2008 08:35:00 AM
Q. Why do women wear makeup and perfume? A. Cause they're ugly and they smell. ***** mmmm, maybe that's the reason you don't get any. DING
Joke by chat noir	Jan 29th, 2008 08:37:00 AM
Q: Ever see an elephant in a Cherry Tree? A: Good Hiders, aren't they? ***** DING
JOKE by sheathledger	Jan 29th, 2008 08:44:00 AM
What do you call a Deer that can use both right & left hooves?? Bambidexterous!! ***** goofy, but ... goofy. DING
Joke by johnnyshand	Jan 29th, 2008 08:45:00 AM
Two bee keepers are talking about their hives. The first bee keeper says, “well I’ve got about three hundred, thousand bees, spread over 10 hives, cos you know happy bees make for lots of honey.” The second bee keeper replies “Really? I’ve got over a million and a half in just the one hive. “The first bee keeper says, “What, just one hive?” And the second bee keeper says “yeah, fuck ‘em. They’re bees” ***** funny
Joke... by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 08:45:00 AM
My Uncle was a magician..One day he was walking down the street and he turned into a bar...we never saw him again. ***** kind of a downer... DING
Joke by v for vienetta	Jan 29th, 2008 08:45:00 AM
What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty tractor. ***** DING
joke by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 08:45:00 AM
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down a lane and turned into a field ***** two tractor jokes... DING
Joke by Agent Michael Scarn	Jan 29th, 2008 08:46:00 AM
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast." ***** funny, and I support corporal punishment.
Joke by Sparhawk38	Jan 29th, 2008 08:46:00 AM
A man strips himself naked and wraps himself in cellophane. He hops over to his psychiatrist's office and bursts through the door. His psychiatrists looks up from his desk and says "I can clearly see your nuts". ***** eh, DING
Joke by Sparhawk38	Jan 29th, 2008 08:47:00 AM
What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? "Sparky" ***** hilarious, RIP sparky (merrick's dog)
Joke by emnic	Jan 29th, 2008 08:47:00 AM
What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Michael Jackson fucks little boys in the ass. ***** lay off MJ, he just needs a good woman (that is ten years old and has a DING-a-ling)
JOKE by getula70	Jan 29th, 2008 08:48:00 AM
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg ? A: Pick him up and suck his dick. ***** cringe, DING
Joke by MtnGeeks	Jan 29th, 2008 08:51:00 AM
Skelton walks into a bar..goes up to the bartender and says, "give me a beer...and a mop." ***** DING. typo got you... gotta be stingy here, I don't want to lower the standards of the site.
Almost peed myself by amaysingstories	Jan 29th, 2008 08:52:00 AM
That joke about the twenty-three year olds is just f-ed up. Kudoes to you, Powercube. ***** great, giving the pedo props.
Joke by Sparhawk38	Jan 29th, 2008 08:52:00 AM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the water? "Bob" What do you call the same guy being pulled behind a boat? "SKIPPY" ***** that is a chuckle
Joke... by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 08:52:00 AM
How do they know what kind of shampoo the Challenger Astronauts used? They found their Head and Shoulders all over the beach ***** sad, DING
JOKE by Jack Napier	Jan 29th, 2008 08:53:00 AM
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM! ***** funny
Joke by chrth	Jan 29th, 2008 08:54:00 AM
Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend? ***** oooh, bad imagery, DING
joke by Sparhawk38	Jan 29th, 2008 08:55:00 AM
What’s the difference between a "pun" and a "fart"? A "pun" is a "shift of whit" ***** clever
Joke by Durendal	Jan 29th, 2008 08:55:00 AM
How does an Irish man impregnate his wife? He jerks off in her shoes and the flies do the rest. ***** it doesn't make much sense, and I'm irish... asshole. DING
joke by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 08:56:00 AM
I was in a bar recently desperate for a slash. the line to the toilets was way too long, so i found an empty can of lager and relieved myself into that. at that moment the police burst in and searched everyone for drugs.i was arrested for possession of can of piss ***** wow, that was bad. DING
Joke by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 08:56:00 AM
How do you make an 8 year girl old cry? Wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear. ***** vandalizing a teddy bear isn't very funny. DING
Joke by Petro45	Jan 29th, 2008 08:57:00 AM
What's the difference between an oyster with epilepsy and a whore with diarrhea? One you shuck between fits . . . ***** funny
Joke by Petro45	Jan 29th, 2008 08:57:00 AM
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? One has hope in her soul . . . ***** whoops, you only get one entry DING
Joke by bobinnova	Jan 29th, 2008 08:57:00 AM
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. And you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?" And that's when the fight started ***** who picked you up from the hospital?
Joke by TheNothing	Jan 29th, 2008 08:58:00 AM
Two muffins were baking in an oven. After a while one of them says, "Damn it's hot in here!" Startled, the other muffin turned to it and said, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!" ***** funny
Joke by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 08:59:00 AM
Why did the cannibal not eat the clown? Coz he tasted funny ***** ...and this joke tastes like DING
Joke by bobinnova	Jan 29th, 2008 09:01:00 AM
Fred died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats." ***** funny, but it reminds me that I need to update my will (everyone should have one) so that is kind of a downer, DING
Joke by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 09:01:58 AM

Joke by Bloo	Jan 29th, 2008 09:02:00 AM
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a homosexual? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull out the meat ***** you should eat less beans then. DING
Joke by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 09:02:00 AM
What does an average asian weigh? sweets ***** I'm asian, you moron. DING
Joke by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 09:02:00 AM
What's the diff. between Michael Jackson and a Pimple? The pimple will wait until your 13 before coming on your face ***** since you missed the rules of the contest... DING
JOKE!!! by dirtyfrank	Jan 29th, 2008 09:02:00 AM
Q: What do you call a good looking, intelligent girl in Alabama? A: A tourist. ***** funny, but my wife is from DINGville, alabama.
I just re-read the whole One entry per person thingy... by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 09:05:00 AM
Shit... ***** haha, that's what makes this one funny
Joke by v for vienetta	Jan 29th, 2008 09:06:00 AM
What's the best thing about having a shower with a 11 year old girl? If you slick her hair back, she only looks 8. ***** that's probably what they're saying about you in san quentin, good luck. DING
cheers hitchcock........ by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 09:06:53 AM
....... so have i
Joke by v for vienetta	Jan 29th, 2008 09:08:00 AM
What's black and blue and scared of sex? The little girl in my basement. ***** quit lying, you probably don't even have a basement. DING
Joke by Corterville	Jan 29th, 2008 09:09:00 AM
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies? You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork. ***** slobodan milosevic is in the house. DING
Fave by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 09:13:46 AM
My favourite so far has to be the first one posted by Kloipy, followed closely by bobinovas dwarf joke
One Entry Per Person by bobinnova	Jan 29th, 2008 09:14:51 AM
Damn, sorry I posted twice
Joke by SpencerTrilby	Jan 29th, 2008 09:15:00 AM
Three archeologists discuss their most recent discoveries: The first: "I dug hundreds of acres in Alaska and found half a mile of copper veins. This clearly proves that the Inuits invented the telephone." The second: "I dug thousands acres in New Mexico and I found optic fiber. This clearly proves that the Navajos invented teh internet." The third: "Well, I dug ten thousand acres in Texas and found nothing. This clearly proves they invented the Wifi." ***** wow, a rare slashdot type joke. I likey.
JOKE by cornponious	Jan 29th, 2008 09:22:00 AM
Well, since it looks like the Farrelly brothers contest is never going to have a winner: A bear and a rabbit were in the woods taking a shit. The bear looked at the rabbit and asked: "Rabbit, do you ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit said: "Why no, bear, I don't." So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with him. ***** funny, but quint is a busy boy, so DING
JOKE by DeweyOxburger	Jan 29th, 2008 09:22:00 AM
Q. What has nine arms and sucks? A. Def Leppard ***** hilarious, I bet you've owned every one of their albums and hate yourself for it.
Joke by FlyinHawaiian	Jan 29th, 2008 09:24:00 AM
Three men are stranded on an island, and the leader of the tribe approaches. He tells them each that they can choose between BOOM BOOM or DEATH. The first man doesn't want to die, so he chooses BOOM BOOM. The tribe puts him in a small cage, and everyone rapes him. The second man, terrified, also chooses BOOM BOOM, and is also put in a small cage and raped. The third man, says fuck this and chooses DEATH. The tribal leader looks around and says: Death by BOOM BOOM. ***** funny
Joke by BigRedMenace	Jan 29th, 2008 09:25:00 AM
So yesterday I asked my Rabbi if I could borrow 5 bucks. He said "4 dollars? What the hell do you need 3 dollars for?! ***** that's messed up, my rabbi lends me money all the time... and one day I'll get enough to beat the vig and pay him back.
Pedophilia is way too popular here by Masked Avenger	Jan 29th, 2008 09:26:05 AM
Too many kid raping jokes. THE ARISTOCRATS!
Joke by furryfreak	Jan 29th, 2008 09:27:00 AM
Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad giving his mum one, his dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts "get out!" A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's bedroom, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran - Johnny just looks at him and says "not so funny when it's your mum is it?" ***** I didn't want to laugh, but I did. nice.
Joke by 433	Jan 29th, 2008 09:27:00 AM
Your mother must be traveling at close to the speed of light, as she has already achieved nearly infinite mass. ***** the put down contest is over on the high school forum at www.DING.com
Joke by mrtgraz	Jan 29th, 2008 09:27:00 AM
A man owes the IRS $10,000, but he only has $5,000. So he goes to church and prays to god for guidance. God suddenly appears before the man and says, "Go to Las Vegas!" So the man knowing not to go against God, hops the next flight to Las Vegas, and walks into the first casino he sees and sits down at the Black Jack table. God says to him, "BET IT ALL!" So the man pushes in his $5,000 and gets his two cards. He has a 2 and a 3. God says, "Take a hit." The man gets another card, its a 5, he now has 10. God says, "take a hit." He gets a 4, he has 14. God says, "TAKE A HIT!" He gets a 3, he has 17. God says, "take a hit." He gets a 2, he has 19. God says, "take a hit!" He gets an Ace, he has 20. God looks at the man and says, "take.....a....hit." He gets another Ace, he has 21. And God replies, "UNFUCKINBELIEVEABLE!" ***** hilarious, and copied several times further down. bravo.
Joke by Sailor Rip	Jan 29th, 2008 09:28:00 AM
What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's cock. ***** that one must go over pretty well at the strip club. DING
Joke by briandean79	Jan 29th, 2008 09:30:00 AM
So I'm laying in bed next to my girlfriend, and she's obviously got something on my mind. "Honey, what's wrong?" I ask. She sighs and says "I'm sorry, I have to break up with you." I reply "What?? Why?" "Well," she says,"my friends all say that you're a pedophile." I sit there for a few seconds, thinking about this, and say "Pedophile is an awfully big word for a seven year old." ***** funny, but DING. dirty pedo.
JOKE by Masked Avenger	Jan 29th, 2008 09:31:00 AM
Little Miss Ant was late for the Ant-Hill party, and was wearing her brand new dress. She was in a rush and didn't want to ruin her dress and couldn't cross the river, so she asked Mr. Elephant. "Mr. Elephant, I'm way too tiny and dressed way too well to cross this river." The Elephant was busy drinking water and didn't want to help. "Please Mr. Elephant, I'll do anything!" "Anything, you say?" Replied the Elephant. "Yes, anything." So the Elephant agreed, and she hopped on his trunk and they crossed the river. "Oh thank you Mr. Elephant, if there is anyway I could repay you..." Mr. Elephant took out his dick and said, "You're damn right, now take off that dress and let's do this!" ***** funny
JOKE by cornponious	Jan 29th, 2008 09:31:00 AM
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying his beer. Suddenly a homeless man ran into the bar, acting very excited. He ran up to the bartender and asked very politely for a fork. The bartender gave the homeless man a plastic fork, and he ran out. The man who was enjoying his beer thought this was a bit odd, but paid it no more mind. Roughly five minutes later another homeless man came running in and up to the bartender, and seemed a lot more desperate than the last fellow. He quickly asked for a fork. The bartender gave him a plastic fork, and he quickly ran back outside. The man who was enjoying his beer was now intrigued by what could possibly be going on outside, but decided he would at least finish his beer. Roughly 5 minutes later, yet another homeless man came in and up to the bartender, though he was walking rather slowly, and seemed a bit unhappy. He asked the bartender for a straw. The bartender gave him a straw, and he began to walk out. This was all the other man could stand. As the homeless man was about to walk out, he grabbed him and asked him about what was going on. He said: "Listen, two other homeless men came in and frantically asked for forks, and now you come in and ask for a straw. What's going on?" The homeless man replied: "Well, somebody threw up outside the door, but all the good stuff is already gone" ***** DING yuck.
JOKE: Harry's Reviews by leobloom	Jan 29th, 2008 09:33:44 AM

Joke by chupes01	Jan 29th, 2008 09:35:00 AM
A guy walks into a bar with an orange for a head. The barman serves him and feels compelled to ask. "Excuse me. Why do you have an orange for a head?" The man replies "I found am old lamp, and when I rubbed it a genie came out and granted me three wishes. For my first wish I wished for a million dollars. For my second wish a wished for a brand new sports car. And for my third wish I wished for an orange for a head." ***** yeah, read that several times... thanks for wasting my time. DING
joke by MC-909	Jan 29th, 2008 09:38:00 AM
Q. What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile? A. Get in the Batmobile, Robin. ***** ... then robin said "okay batman!" then batman said "DING!" ahahahahahhahahahahah
Are we required by INWOsuxRED	Jan 29th, 2008 09:39:00 AM
to bash ethnic people in this joke? It is for the wild west comedy tour, isn't it? ***** wow, you read the secret racist code in the contest post... idiot.
Joke by henrydalton	Jan 29th, 2008 09:41:00 AM
Why can't you play hide and seek with an epileptic? 'Cos they always seizure. ***** hilarious, (note to self: schedule more strobing ads for the site.)
INWOsuxRED by Masked Avenger	Jan 29th, 2008 09:41:00 AM
No, but apparently there was a kiddie sex requirement. ***** I take comfort in the likelihood that those who post the pedo crap will go to a special kind of hell...
To all pedophile jokesters by cornponious	Jan 29th, 2008 09:41:47 AM
Why don't you have a seat right over there.
I am homeless...... by thewiseman	Jan 29th, 2008 09:46:43 AM
...... and i take offence at your joke, cornponious
Vinces career is dead now. by EvilWizardGlick	Jan 29th, 2008 09:47:00 AM
This is the final nail in his career. ***** and what do you get paid per movie?
Then it must be working... by cornponious	Jan 29th, 2008 09:47:33 AM
Good.
JOKE by GilesT	Jan 29th, 2008 09:49:00 AM
An atheist was walking through the woods... when suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Just as he turned to look a 10-foot grizzly bear charged out towards him! Running back as fast as he could up the path, he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run faster, but every time he looked behind him he saw that the bear was getting closer and closer! He tripped over an exposed root and fell to the ground. Rolling over to pick himself he saw the bear reared up on his hind legs, paws raised and claws exposed, ready to strike. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" ...and time stopped... ...the bear froze... ...and the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, and the booming voice of God came from the sky... "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE ALL THESE YEARS? YOU TRY TO TEACH YOUR FELLOW MAN THAT I DO NOT EXIST? YOU CREDIT THE BEGININNINGS OF THE UNIVERSE TO A COSMIC ACCIDENT, AND THE ENTIRETY OF MY CREATION TO MUTATION AND NATURAL SELECTION? DO YOU NOW EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT IN WHICH YOU FIND YOURSELF? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?!" The atheist looked directly into the light, "Well, it would be somewhat hypocritical of me to expect you to treat me as a Christian now..." "INDEED IT WOULD." came the reply from the heavens. "Perhaps you could make the bear a Christian instead?" "HMM" said God. "VERY WELL." The light blinked out, and the sounds of the forest resumed. The bear, unfrozen, halted in its tracks. It lowered its paws, brought them together, bowed its head and spoke. "Blessed are we, oh Lord Almighty, for the bounty which we are about to receive in your son Jesus Christ's name. Amen ***** funny, but long
Joke by Badly Drunk Boy	Jan 29th, 2008 09:51:00 AM
A man goes to the doctors complaining of a pain in his stomach. The doctor looks him over then sits staring at him. "Do you masturbate" the doctor asks. The man pauses "Ehh, yeah I do." The Doctor smiles "Its fucking great isn't it!" ***** funny
JOKE by StephenHawkingDiarrhea	Jan 29th, 2008 09:52:00 AM
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken! ***** superman is dead... dickhead.
Joke by mrwaltzy	Jan 29th, 2008 09:53:00 AM
What did the Mexican fireman name his two twin boys? Hose A and Hose B. ***** my elementary school called and they want their really old joke back... and I'm mexican... el DING caca la cabeza
Joke by Jubba	Jan 29th, 2008 09:55:00 AM
Uwe Boll ***** sad, but true, but lazy DING (and please be respectful, he likes to be called dr. boll.)
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 09:56:00 AM
The party was going great until the foreign girl asked him if he is a racist. He explained that he was a race car driver and everyone laughed at the foibles of translation. Later that night, he burned a cross in her yard. ***** yeah, DING
Joke by Scotious	Jan 29th, 2008 09:56:00 AM
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches. ***** ...old as DING
Joke by Lou Stools	Jan 29th, 2008 09:56:00 AM
What do you call an insufferable douche bag? Vince Vaughn. ***** poor boy, did he turn you down in the park bathroom? DING
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 09:57:00 AM
I like fashion as much as the next guy, but you'd have to be crazy to wear a straightjacket. ***** thank god you posted multiple times. DING
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 09:58:26 AM
You know who'll never be the best? Number 2 pencils.
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 09:59:00 AM
At a party recently a friend of mine was bragging about how smart her little girl is. She told me her little girl could answer any question. So I asked the little girl her theory on how and why Santa Claus was murdered. You should have seen the look on that little girl's face. I stumped her ass. ***** see, this one would have won... seriously, that is some funny shit... supremehustle's 20th entry has to be DING
Actually, my joke wasn't a kiddie rape joke.. by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 10:00:00 AM
that was consentual...you saw what she was wearing ***** god, he's a furry.
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 10:01:00 AM
When Tom started his new job at the office, the team decided to take him to lunch. He told his new friends of his world travels. "Niger," Tom said. "You ever been to Niger? It's a country in Africa." Then, he realized he might be pronouncing Niger wrong. But it was too late. And that's the story of why we don't invite Tom to lunch anymore. ***** jesus, another good one. you should just do like everyone else and sign up for a couple hundred accounts. you could be DING@gmail.com
Joke... by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 10:02:00 AM
What did the black kid get for his birthday? My bike... ***** bet he got his ass kicked for riding your banana seated bike with pink tassles. joke's on him. DING
JOKE by Octopus Prime	Jan 29th, 2008 10:02:00 AM
What's white & blue and sits in the middle of a field...........? A Fridge with a denim jacket on ***** keep your day job at the bada-DING
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 10:02:57 AM
One of the worst things that can happen is your dentist showing up late for your root canal then telling you all about how he's also a proctologist and didn't have time to wash his hands.
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 10:03:46 AM
He could tell by the look in her eyes that she had conjunctivitis.
Joke by Death Sticks	Jan 29th, 2008 10:05:00 AM
Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctor's office, and all three of them are knitting little baby sweaters as they wait for their checkups. The first woman, knitting her little sweater, turns to the other two and proudly declares "I'm taking extra calcium, because I want MY baby to have strong bones!" The second woman, knitting her little sweater, turns to the other two and proudly declares "Well, I'M taking extra protein, because I want MY baby to have strong muscles!" The third woman, knitting her little sweater, turns to the other two and declares "Well, I'm smoking crack... 'cuz I can't figure out how to knit ARMS on this damn thing!" ***** funny, and it will only piss-off pregnant crack heads.
Joke by SupremeHustle	Jan 29th, 2008 10:05:00 AM
If "The Jetsons" has taught us anything about the future, it's that the white supremacists win. www.compartmenttwo.com ***** is that link where you steal your bad jokes? try DING.com
JOKE by Octopus Prime	Jan 29th, 2008 10:07:00 AM
What's white & blue and stands in the middle of a field?.......... A fridge with a denim jacket on ***** wow, did you think this would get funnier if I had to read it twice? DING and DING
joke by rufusxavier	Jan 29th, 2008 10:07:00 AM
The pope goes in for his annual checkup. It turns out that he has a fatal disease with only one cure for men, and that is to have sex with a woman who has been injected with the antidote. The pope breaks the bad news to all the cardinals and ask what they think would be the right thing to do, he will abide by their decision no matter what. The cardinals hold their meeting and after much debate they decide that just this one time it would be ok for the pope to go through with the life saving procedure. When they deliver the news to the pope he says, "Thank you for giving me this chance to live on and continue to spread our word to the world. I only have four requirements that need to be met so I can go through with this: #1 - she must be blind so she cannot see who she is having sex with, #2 - she must be deaf so she cannot recognize my voice and figure out who she is having sex with, and #3 - she must be mute, so even if she does figure out who I am, she won't be able to tell anyone about what I did." The cardinals all agree that this would be the only way to go about doing this whole scenario. Finally one cardinal stands up and says, "But I thought you said there were four requirements, you only gave us three." The pope leans forward and says, "Oh yes, the fourth requirement - big tits." ***** ... then the cardinals combed the earth... and found your mamma. funny.
JOKE by ResevoirPuppie	Jan 29th, 2008 10:07:17 AM
This contest is so money.
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:08:00 AM
What would you call it if Keith Richards and Mick Jagger died from eating a bird-flu infected chicken? Killing two stones with one bird! ***** notice to all... thrillgamesh is skipping school right now and his mommy is very worried. read on for more DING
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:08:49 AM
Who's the most famous dead entertainer? Robert GHOUL-ET
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:09:24 AM
How can you tell when a skeleton is horny? He'll have a boner!
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:09:46 AM
Why did the redneck buy a cell phone? He thought it was a dildo!
These are fuckin hilarious by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 10:10:16 AM
I might have to bring this stuff out. I'm having crying fits from laughter at work and people think I'm going crazy.
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:10:44 AM
Where do all the monsters buy their home goods? DEATH Bed, BLOOD Bath, and Beyond...the grave!!!!
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:12:20 AM
What do you call a penis that's had a vasectomy on October 31st? A hollow-weiner.
I mean 'print' this stuff out by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 10:12:44 AM
funny
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:13:04 AM
Where does Santa kiss Mrs. Claus? Underneath the camel-toe.
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:13:32 AM
What's the motto for a whorehouse that doesn't take reservations? First served, first come.
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:13:58 AM
How many witches does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3. Even though they're members of the innermost circles of hell, they're still women.
JOKE by Woofski	Jan 29th, 2008 10:14:00 AM
Q: Why does Edward Woodward have four 'd's in his name? A: Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar. An oldie, but a goodie. ***** more like "an oldie, but a DINGie."
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:14:11 AM
What's the name of a serial killer with a terrible gas problem? Jack the Ripper.
JOKE by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:14:24 AM
What's the most popular Halloween costume in Somalia? Clothing.
joke by shoveller	Jan 29th, 2008 10:15:00 AM
a guy walks into a bar and orders 3 vodka shots, 2 shots of bourbon, 3 shots of brandy and a double gin. The bartender puts them on the bar and the guy stars downing them one after another, with out even pausing to wince. "Hey buddy, slow down" say the concerned bartender, the guy pauses long enough to say "my friend, if you had what i had you'd be rushing these drinks too". "what do you have?" asked the bartender, the guy looks up and says, "75cents." ***** funny
enough jokes by thrillgamesh	Jan 29th, 2008 10:15:00 AM
One of those has got to stick... ***** hahaha, pathetic that this one is the funniest thrill has.DING (didn't put JOKE in the headline)
JOKE by Superflyfox	Jan 29th, 2008 10:16:00 AM
Mickey Mouse phones his lawyer to see how his divorce case against Minnie is going. Divorce Lawyer :- 'Mick i've told you before, you can't divorce Minny on the grounds of her having funny looking teeth' Mickey Mouse (High pitch voice):- 'I didn't say she's got funny looking teeth! I said she was fucking Goofy!!' ***** that just can't be correctly cut and pasted. try the DING-button instead.
Joke by shagdrum	Jan 29th, 2008 10:17:00 AM
Q: Why do blond women have bruised belly buttons? A: They have blond boyfriends. ***** i hope you're one of the five people that actually read the rules. funny, kind of turned it around on me there.
Joke by Francis Begbie	Jan 29th, 2008 10:17:00 AM
A Bear is chasing a rabbit in the woods one day and and they stumble into a leprechaun. The leprechaun stops them and tells them he will grant each one three wishes. The only stipulation is they have to be fair and take turns. The bear says, "Oh! me first, I wish that all the Bears in this forest are female. The leprechaun says "okay, done" The rabbit quickly says, "My turn! I wish for a motorcycle" and poof a motorcycle appears. The bear is confused, why not just ask for all the money in the world so the rabbit could just buy a motorcycle and whatever he wants? Anyway, the bear says "my turn, I wish all the bears in the neighboring woods are all female!" The leprechaun again, says your wish has come true. "My turn!" says the rabbit and wishes "I wish for a helmet" and bam! a helmet appears on the motorcycle. The bear again confused gives up trying to understand the rabbits logic and says "fuck it, I'm horny, I want evey bear in every forest but me to be female besides me!" The leprechaun says "your wish is granted you are going to be one happy bear!" With that, the rabbit puts on the helmet, gets on the motorcycle and says "I wish this bear was gay" and rides out of there like a bat out of hell! ***** good, but long, but good.
Joke by Slabbidy Blodahead	Jan 29th, 2008 10:18:00 AM
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest friggin' baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "That's not right. You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." ***** ugly babies are funny.
Joke by Cepper	Jan 29th, 2008 10:19:00 AM
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants poorly demonstrate their skills, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!" "No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody the bishop had ever heard. He listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in street below. The stunned bishop rushed down to the scene. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "Well, I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." ***** when he hit the bell, did it sound like this? DING
Joke by NoahTall	Jan 29th, 2008 10:19:00 AM
I got in a fight with a mechanic and he cheated. He hit me in the stomach with a spanner.............It was gut wrenching. ***** DING
I can't help myself....Jokes! by HitchCock'n'Balz	Jan 29th, 2008 10:21:24 AM
A guy walks into a bar and orders 9 shot's of Jager. The bartender says "Damn, son...what's the celebration"..."first Blow Job" says the man...As he starts knocking em back one by one the bartender says " First blow job huh? How bout a 10th shot on the house?"...to which the man replies "if 9 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think another one will"
joke by specialspecial	Jan 29th, 2008 10:23:00 AM
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas? He felt his presents. NO, it is funny. ***** NO, it is DING
Joke by PhonicsMonkey	Jan 29th, 2008 10:25:00 AM
A man got on a plane and realized he was seated next to the Pope. Even though he was a devout Catholic, the man was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it. This is fantastic, thought the man. I'm pretty good at crosswords. Maybe if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for help. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'U-N-T'?" The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. He thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?" ***** pope jokes rule.
Joke by Inuchan	Jan 29th, 2008 10:25:47 AM
Q: How many revolutions in a microwave does it take to kill a puppy? A: I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.
Joke by PutZ	Jan 29th, 2008 10:26:00 AM
Two bums are hangin' round the alley beside the bar tryin to come up with a way to get a drink. They pool their money, but all they come up with is $1.50. The first bum sez, "I gotta plan", walks to the hot dog vender on the corner and blows their last bit of change on a hot dog. The second bum is furious, "How the hell is that supposed to get us a drink!?" "I've got a plan" sez the first bum. He throws the bun away and shoves the weiner down his pants, and proceeds to lay out his plan. "We'll walk into the bar and order the most expensive liquor they have. As soon as we finish, you drop down and start suckin on the hotdog, then bartender will throw us out on our ass!" The second bum is so desperate for a drink he'll try anything at this point, so they head on in to the bar to try it out. It works like a charm, soon as they chug their drink , he drops down and goes to down on the hot dog and the bartender throws em' out in the street! It works so well they decide to try it at the next bar down the street. Time after time it keeps working. Finally after several hours, and 15 bars, they are both sloshed outta their minds. The second bum says, "Man this was great but I think we gotta quit, my knees are killing me from dropin down so much." The first bum replies, "Hell I know what cha mean....I lost the hot dog 4 bars ago my dick is killing me!!!" ***** funny, long, funny
Joke by Lone Fox	Jan 29th, 2008 10:27:00 AM
Mr Shlub is pacing frantically outside the maternity ward. After 3 agonising days, and many complications, he is allowed to see his wife and child. 'Doctor, I've been so worried, are they--?' 'Mr Shlub, I'm pleased to say all went well. Your wife is in tip top form, and gave birth to a bouncing baby boy.' 'I have a son!' Mr Shlub cries as he rushes into the ward, the happiest day of his life. ..... But the room is empty. 'April fool! Your wife's dead and your baby's a stillbirth!' laughed the doctor. ***** cruel can be funny
inuchan by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 10:27:47 AM
That's some sick shit, but I'm crying laughing...don't know what that says about me.
A Joke by PenguinSlide	Jan 29th, 2008 10:29:44 AM
So two rednecks decide they don’t want to be called “stupid rednecks” anymore, they want to get an education. So they go down to the local community college to find out what they’d have to do. One of them goes in and finds a professor. “Hey Professor. I’m trying to get an education. What should I take?” “Well,” says the professor, “Science, math, logic, English, history…” “Wait wait wait,” the redneck interrupts, “I understand science and math, but what the hell is logic?” “Well let me show you,” says the professor, “Do you own a lawnmower?” “Yeah…” “Then I can deduce with logic that you have a lawn.” “Yeah, that’s true…” “Since you have a lawn I can deduce you have a house.” “Yeah…” “If you have a house, then you have a family.” “Wow!” “And if you have a family, I can deduce you have a wife” “Shit you’re good!” “And if you have a wife, I can tell you’re heterosexual. You’re straight” “Yeah! Oh my god this is amazing!” Very impressed, the redneck runs out to tell the education plan to his friend. “Hey! We’re going to take Science, Math, English, History, and Logic!” “What the hell is logic?” His friend asks. “Well, let me show you. Do you have a lawnmower?” “No” “You’re gay.”
Joke by Diagnostic	Jan 29th, 2008 10:31:44 AM
A man is shopping at a drugstore when he sees the display "Box of 500 Suppositories: 90% Discount." Not knowing what they are but thinking it is a great deal, he buys a box. When he gets home, he opens one up and eats it. "Tasty!" says the man. After eating the whole box while watching tv, he goes back to the drugstore to get another box of suppositories. The pharmacist recognizes him and inquires, "Didn't you just buy 500 of these earlier today? What are you doing with them? Eating them?" Annoyed man responds "No, wiseguy, I am sticking them up my @ss!"
mrtgraz by Birdys Piano Teacher	Jan 29th, 2008 10:32:16 AM
Your God/gambling joke made me laugh a whole bunch. Nice job.
Joke by dean999	Jan 29th, 2008 10:34:17 AM
What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs? Lump.
Joke by PhonicsMonkey	Jan 29th, 2008 10:35:02 AM
A man decides that he's going to get married but only wants to married to a pure, virtuous woman. Thinking church is the best place to meet such a woman, the man heads down to the nearest church and immediately meets a beautiful and sweet lady. He takes her on a date and has a great time. At the end of the date he pulls out his dick and asks her "Do you know what this is?" The woman looks at it and replies "No. I have no idea." Feeling that he must have met the right woman, the man soon asks her to marry him. On their wedding night, the man again pulls his dick out. Again he asks her "Are you sure you don't know what this?" The woman looks at him and says again "No. I have no idea." "This" the man says proudly "is a dick!" The woman laughs, looks at him and says "No it's not. A dick is 10 inches long and black!"
A Joke again...with spaces by PenguinSlide	Jan 29th, 2008 10:35:13 AM
So two rednecks decide they don’t want to be called “stupid rednecks” anymore, they want to get an education. So they go down to the local community college to find out what they’d have to do. One of them goes in and finds a professor. “Hey Professor. I’m trying to get an education. What should I take?” “Well,” says the professor, “Science, math, logic, English, history…” “Wait wait wait,” the redneck interrupts, “I understand science and math, but what the hell is logic?” “Well let me show you,” says the professor, “Do you own a lawnmower?” “Yeah…” “Then I can deduce with logic that you have a lawn.” “Yeah, that’s true…” “Since you have a lawn I can deduce you have a house.” “Yeah…” “If you have a house, then you have a family.” “Wow!” “And if you have a family, I can deduce you have a wife” “Shit you’re good!” “And if you have a wife, I can tell you’re heterosexual. You’re straight” “Yeah! Oh my god this is amazing!” Very impressed, the redneck runs out to tell the education plan to his friend. “Hey! We’re going to take Science, Math, English, History, and Logic!” “What the hell is logic?” His friend asks. “Well, let me show you. Do you have a lawnmower?” “No” “You’re gay.”
Jokes aren't funny by ugly	Jan 29th, 2008 10:40:42 AM
That is all.
Joke by lookitsalex	Jan 29th, 2008 10:41:00 AM
Q-How does a turtle with no arms or legs get across the freeway? A-You take the F out of free and take the F out of way. ***** two posts are twice as DING
Joke by lookitsalex	Jan 29th, 2008 10:41:06 AM
Q-How does a turtle with no arms or legs get across the freeway? A-You take the F out of free and take the F out of way.
Joke by DrakeVan	Jan 29th, 2008 10:52:07 AM
How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold my penis. I mean "my MOTHER!!" I MEAN "THE LADDER!!!"
Joke by Street	Jan 29th, 2008 10:53:31 AM
Q: What's The First Sign Of Madness? A: Suggs walking up your driveway.
Joke by Gmurrin	Jan 29th, 2008 10:54:01 AM
Did you hear about the Psychic Midget that escaped from prison? The newspaper headlines read "Small Medium at Large!"
Joke (probably fairly old) by Lost Jarv	Jan 29th, 2008 10:55:43 AM
Little Johnny walks into a brothel carrying a dead frog. He walks up to the madam, slaps the frog in her hand and says "Bitch, I want a hooker" The Madam replies, "erm, no. How old are you" Johnny says "I'm twelve, and I've got my life savings. I'm telling you, bitch, I want a whore". And with that he breaks out $2,000 The madam is taken aback, "Erm, well, erm, alright then. I'll get you the best, cleanest whore we have. It's your first time so we'd better make it special." Johnny replies "No, I want the nastiest, most disease ridden trollop on the establishment" "Why on earth would you want that?" responds the madam. "Well, I'm going to go in there and fuck her 4 times without protection, one of them in the ass. Then I'll get the clap. Then I'm going home. My parents are out tonight, so I'll have a babysitter. And I'll fuck her. So she'll get the clap. Then my Dad will give her a ride home, and I know the dirty old git, and he'll fuck her. So he'll get the clap. When he get's in he'll be feeling guilty about shagging the babysitter, so he'll fuck my mother. So She'll get the clap. She's a right slut, and I know she can't help herself, so the next morning when the postman comes round with the mail she'll drop her pants and fuck him good and proper. SO He'll get the clap." "AND THAT'S THE BASTARD THAT KILLED MY FROG!"
Joke by Magnum Opus	Jan 29th, 2008 10:56:53 AM
A grasshopper walks into a bar, but can't decide what he wants to drink. The bartender tells him, "I've got just the thing! There's actually a drink named after you!" To which the grasshopper replies, "Really? There's a drink called Steve?"
Joke: by Palil_Stonewall	Jan 29th, 2008 10:58:12 AM
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Joke by Magnum Opus	Jan 29th, 2008 11:02:13 AM
What did the man say at the gay picnic? "This hotdog tastes like shit!"
JOKE by Heckles	Jan 29th, 2008 11:05:28 AM
In high school, the class slut was trying to shed her tawdry image. She wanted to be known for her intelligence. One day in science class the topic of reproduction was discussed, something she happened to know a lot about, being a slut and all. The teacher mentioned semen and how it contained a sort of glucose, or sugar. The class slut instinctively shot her hand up in the air and boasted, "actually, from what I read," she lied, "it doesn't have a taste to it at all." To which the teacher replied, "I can see why you would think that... because you don't have taste buds in the back of your throat."
Joke by anchorite	Jan 29th, 2008 11:05:57 AM
Harry gets paid per post. The more jokes you post, the more Harry makes off of you. If you're lucky enough to "win", all you get is a crappy bag full of Fantastic Fest shit. By Friday, Harry will have enough posts for a new car. Looks like the joke's on all of us! :(
Joke by 7Cal	Jan 29th, 2008 11:07:00 AM
Little Johnny walks into the kitchen while his mother is making dinner. He tugs at her apron and says "Ma, ma, granny's got a shrimp! His mother looks annoyed at the interruption and continues cutting the vegetables. He tugs again "Ma! Granny's got a shrimp!" His mother looks exasperated, looks down at Johnny and says "What!?". He repeats "Granny's got a shrimp!" and takes her by the hand into the living room. There, nude and passed-out spread eagle on the sofa, lies Granny. Little Johnny points between her legs and says "See! Granny's got a shrimp!" His mother says in a stern voice "Young man! That's not a shrimp! That's granny's clitoris!" Johnny is silent for a long moment while he thinks this offer. Then he says "Huh. Well it TASTED like shrimp!" By the way not sure which email I have on this account, so on the off chance I win send an email to calspam.bond (at) gmail.com ***** sure, it's in the mail... DING
Doh! by 7Cal	Jan 29th, 2008 11:07:50 AM
Johnn is silent for a long moment while he thinks this OVER
Joke by JohnnyRicoHatesBugs	Jan 29th, 2008 11:11:00 AM
What do you call a black guy flying an airplane? A pilot you fucking racist! ***** funny, potty-mouth, potential winner
JOKE by mdmouthdrummer	Jan 29th, 2008 11:12:26 AM

Joke by s00p3rm4n	Jan 29th, 2008 11:13:00 AM
I wonder if any perverted midgets have half-length mirrors above their beds so they can watch themselves halving sex. The second part of that joke is that when I wrote it I spelled it “halving.” ***** if you need sixteen words to explain a twenty word joke, it's DING
Joke by Wheel99	Jan 29th, 2008 11:13:00 AM
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?" ***** wow, that was bad.... DING
Joke by DarqueGuy	Jan 29th, 2008 11:16:00 AM
What's 18 inches and makes a woman scream? Crib death. ***** yeah... no... DING
JOKE by MoorishDignity	Jan 29th, 2008 11:16:00 AM
Q: What's the difference between a potato and a hooker? A: A potato doesn't scream when you cut its eyes out. ***** DING
JOKE by mdmouthdrummer	Jan 29th, 2008 11:18:00 AM
What does the Deutsche Mark and pictures of Briteny Spears' vagina have in common? There are so many of them now, they aren't worth anything. And they're dirty. ***** you're out for the misspelling of this very talented girl's name... DING
Joke by friskevision	Jan 29th, 2008 11:21:00 AM
What's the great thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds? There's 20 of them. ***** clever, can you count to DING?
JOKE by herow/1000faces	Jan 29th, 2008 11:22:00 AM
Two British aristocrats are sipping brandy in a gentlemen’s club. One says to the other, “I say old chap, did I ever tell you about when I went on safari in Africa?” “Why no old bean," the other replies, "I don’t think that you ever did.” “Why yes!" the first gentleman continues, "I was hunting wild game in the Serengeti when suddenly, from behind a patch of tall grass, a lion jumped out at me and it roared like this ‘RRROOOOOOAAAAARRRR!’ And I shit in my pants.” “Well!" the second gentleman exclaims, "I can imagine you would shit in your pants old bean, a lion jumping out at you unexpectedly like that.” “No, no, no." says the first gentleman, "Not then, I meant just now when I went ‘RRROOOOOOAAAAARRRR!’” ***** DDDDDDIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGG
joke by mikeyone	Jan 29th, 2008 11:22:32 AM
A blonde headmistress starts at her new school. in an attempt to bond with the students she takes a walk outside. she sees a bunch of guys hanging around the back field and decides to talk to the one who is standing on his own. "hey you," she says to the boy " it's alright to go and play with the other boys you know." " that's okay," he replies," i'll stay right here." "why?" asks the blond. "'cause I'm the fucking goalie."
Joke by henrydalton	Jan 29th, 2008 11:23:34 AM
Q. What's got two legs and bleeds? A. Half a dog.
Joke by henrydalton	Jan 29th, 2008 11:24:09 AM
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave till its bill withers.
Joke by kibbled	Jan 29th, 2008 11:25:37 AM
This is one my dad told me There are three solders in a prison camp that are about to be executed. Fortunealty, one of the solders found out the guards are really afraid of natural disasters. The guards dragged the first solder out. The placed a blindfold on his head. The captain of the guards said "READY, AIM...." The first solder yelled out "HURRICANE!!!!" The guards scattered and the first solder jumped over the wall and escaped. The guards then got under control and dragged the second solder out. "READY, AIM.... " The second solder yelled "TORNADO". The guards panicked and the second solder was able to get over the wall. The third and the least intelligent solder got taken out of the jail cell. The captain of the guard again command "READY, AIM...." and the thrid solder yelled out "FIRE!!!!!!!"
html test by madoo14	Jan 29th, 2008 11:30:00 AM
I'm not sure exactly how html works on here google bold italics ***** and I am sure a movie review website is the place to learn HTML
Joke by idahomer	Jan 29th, 2008 11:33:00 AM
Q: What's green and brown and crawls through the grass? A: A Girl Scout who lost her cookies. What do I win? ***** you win some advice and a DING, find a new website to steal jokes from.
JOKE by madoo14	Jan 29th, 2008 11:35:00 AM
I was walking from class with this girl I know and she had on those giant sunglasses that girls like to wear. I asked her "what's the deal with the welder's goggles" to which she replied: "these are my DIVA glasses." I didn't really get it at first but then it all made sense. Diva glasses . . . to cover up all the black eyes. ***** I tried, but I am having trouble figuring out what the good joke was that you mangled. DING
Joke by SkiBum	Jan 29th, 2008 11:41:00 AM
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at him and starts laughing. "Hey, pirate. Where are your buccaneers?" he asks. The pirate looks at the bartender and replies "Under my buckin hat." ***** he's also got a DING under his hat
Joke by Turd Furgusen	Jan 29th, 2008 11:43:00 AM
You've all heard of the Dirty Sanchez? Well, I have a different sex technique called the Tanya Harding. Have the woman stand and bend over a counter or table top. Enter her from behind. Just before you come, hit her in the knee with a metal pipe. When she drops to the floor, come in her hair then style it like Tanya Harding's. ***** there isn't enough goo in a bukkaki movie to gel that style. BTW, it is spelled tonya harDING
Bangs and All..... by Turd Furgusen	Jan 29th, 2008 11:44:19 AM
x-)
Joke by Nemo_Brewster	Jan 29th, 2008 11:46:43 AM
A woman buys a parrot at a pet store. Before the woman leaves, the clerk says, "I should warn you that that parrot has a swearing problem, but if you work with him on it, he should be fine." All week, the parrot did not utter one profane word. For some reason, she decided to take the parrot to church with her. During the prayer, the parrot squawks, "goddamn it's cold in here!" Horrified, she ran out of the church, taking the parrot with her. She went to the pet store and told the clerk what had happened. "Okay", the clerk said, "here's what you do. When he swears, grab him by the feet and spin him in circles over your head, as fast and hard as you can." Again, for some strange reason, she decided to take the parrot back to church with her. During the prayer, the parrot squawks, "goddamn, it's cold in here!" The woman grabs the parrot by its feet and proceeds to spin the parrot around in circles over her head. She then sat the parrot back on her shoulder. The dizzy parrot then shrieks, "it's fucking windy, too!"
joke by phalaughul	Jan 29th, 2008 11:46:55 AM
so a little girl is riding her new bike that she got in the park when an officer on a horse stops her the officer tells the little girl, "hey there.. nice bike , did santa bring you that bike?" the little girl replied " yea i got it for christmas" the officer then begins to write a citation to the little girl, telling her" next time tell santa it's supposed to come with a helmet" as the little girl receives her ticket for not wearing a helmet, the little girl asks the officer, "did santan bring you that horse"? the officer replied " yea, why"? the little girl then tells the officer " next time tell santa that the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top"
Joke by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 11:48:00 AM
Little Joey was visiting his old elderly grandfather at the nursing home. Curious, Joey liked to open and close the dresser drawers and closet. "Grandpa," he asked. "Do you wear boxers or briefs?" "Depends," grandpa said. And then he fucking SHIT HIMSELF ***** then little joey found a DING on the floor
Joke by mustard	Jan 29th, 2008 11:52:00 AM
what's blue and fucks grandmas? ... me in my lucky blue suit. ***** did you use your lucky DING?
Joke by The Gingerbeard Man	Jan 29th, 2008 11:57:00 AM
Q; How do you get a tissue to dance? A: Put a little boogie in it! THAT IS THE BEST JOKE OF ALL TIME. ***** by "all time" you must mean nap time at pre-k DING
JOKE by American Hyena	Jan 29th, 2008 12:06:26 PM
Why can't gerbils drive? Cause they're always stuck in Gere.
Joke by Buz3000	Jan 29th, 2008 12:13:54 PM
A man goes to the doctors and says he has a problem, the doctor asks what it is and he shows him his dick which is bright orange. The doctor says "what do you do for a living?" The man replies "Nothing, I don't work" "So what do you do all day?" asks the doctor "I don't know says the man, sit around all day watching porn and eating Cheetos"
JOKE by matalo	Jan 29th, 2008 12:16:00 PM
Q: What's a dickfor? A: To pee with. ***** Q: what's a DINGfor?
JOKE by TraumReiter	Jan 29th, 2008 12:16:00 PM
Q: Why do 15 year old turkish guys wear a mustage? A: So that they are allowed to enter a night club with their mom's ID. ***** WTF is a mustage? is it something like a DING?
Joke by TheBri	Jan 29th, 2008 12:16:00 PM
Q: What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when he hits a windshield? A: His Ass ***** then his DING
Joke by ITSpook	Jan 29th, 2008 12:16:02 PM
One from the land of snow and ice... Some of the top minds in America wanted to know what the head of a penis was for, so the government authroized 10 millon dollars for a study. The study determined that the head of a penis was meant for the pleasure of the man. Not to be out done, the Russians launch a study and they spend 10 million dollars. Their study concluded the head of a penis was meant for the pleasure of the woman. The Canadians wade into the frey and manage to scrape together about 5 thousand dollars. Their study concluded that the head of a penis is meant to keep the hand from flying off the end of the shaft.
Joke by Denton56	Jan 29th, 2008 12:19:54 PM
A man is driving the pope through New York. The pope asks him halfway thorough the ride if he can drive. The driver doesn't know what to do, but decides to let him so he doesn't get into trouble. Well after a few minutes driving the pope gets pulled over. The cop takes a look at him backs off and gets on the radio with his captain and says. "Captain, we have a problem. I pulled over someone big." The captain says, "Don't tell me you've pulled over the mayor." The cop says, "No this guy is bigger than the mayor." The captain says, "You pulled over a governor?" The cop says, "Bigger." The captain gets infuriated, "DON'T TELL ME YOU PULLED OVER THE PRESIDENT!" The cop says, "No this guy is bigger than the president." The captain is confused but asks "Who the hell is he?" The cop says "I don't know, but he's got the fucking pope as a driver."
JOKE by lavalizard69	Jan 29th, 2008 12:24:44 PM
A penguin walks into a corner store and asks the clerk: 'Do you have any grapes?" 'No,'he replies. The next day the penguin walks in and asks again. 'No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!' The next day the penguin walks in and asks: 'Got any nails?' 'No,' replies the assistant. 'Got any grapes?' the penguin asks.
JOKE by JohnnyNonReg	Jan 29th, 2008 12:27:00 PM
Two guys, one married, one single, hit a bar after work one night, and they're sitting and drinking their beer when this gorgeous, statuesque blonde strolls up next to the single guy. He looks over at her and can't help but notice that she's practically falling out of her dress. So he says, "evenin', ma'am, mind if I buy you a boobs--err beer?" She gets pissed and storms off. "I can't believe I Did that," he says. The married guy says, "happens all the time. They call it a Freudian slip... where you say what's really on your mind instead of what you intended to say." The single guy is skeptical. "Has it ever happened to you?" "Oh, absolutely. Just the other morning, my wife and I were sitting at breakfast. I meant to say, 'would you please pass the salt' and accidentally said, 'you fucking bitch, you ruined my life.'" (THE END) ***** old even by our standards (posted earlier) DING
JOKE by KosherWookie	Jan 29th, 2008 12:27:00 PM
"Vince F#cking Vaughn." Who finds this schmuck even remotely funny? Oh yeah, fat losers. ***** haha, and you're not one? kosherDINGwookie
Joke by mechanicalape	Jan 29th, 2008 12:28:33 PM
Why should you never go down on a woman first thing in the morning? Have you ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich?
JOKE WINNER by FlyinHawaiian	Jan 29th, 2008 12:30:35 PM
What's the difference between an apple and a baby? I don't cum on my apple before I slice it up and eat it.
Joke by DarthQueefer	Jan 29th, 2008 12:31:21 PM
What's the difference between a refrigerator and Richard Simmons ? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
joke by blogingposter	Jan 29th, 2008 12:32:02 PM
my sex life
Joke by DarthQueefer	Jan 29th, 2008 12:32:07 PM
A baby seal walks into a club.
Joke by bryn_cmbs	Jan 29th, 2008 12:34:51 PM
Aflred, and elderly gay man passes away. He was the Hugh Heffner of gay men, as he had 3 live-in boyfriends. At Alfred’s funeral his boy toys where sitting contemplating on what they should do with his ashes. The first said he was going to spread them out at sea, because Alfred loved the ocean. The second said he’d like to keep a few of them in a locket around his neck. After some thought the third boyfriend says, “I’m going to make the biggest, hottest pot of chili I can and add Alfred’s ashes to it. Then I am going to eat it so he can tear my butt up one more time.”
Quint... by Kal Reeve	Jan 29th, 2008 12:35:29 PM
If you're involved with this try not to pick any racist jokes. Just because you might enjoy them doesn't mean anyone else does.
JOKE by NagromEfDisk	Jan 29th, 2008 12:36:10 PM
The FBI is looking for a new agent and has narrowed its list down to three candidates. To narrow it down they have come up with a final trial in order to pick the right person. They bring in the first candidate and explain the task. "Take this gun and shoot the person in side the room over there." The man is 21 years old and well groomed, he takes the gun and marches into the room and slams the door. And then ... silence. After 5 minutes he walks out crying, and tells the recruiting officer "I have a bone to pick with you sir. That is my fiance and we are about to start our lives together. HOW DARE YOU ask me to shoot her." The officer thanks him and shows him out. The next candidate is brought in, and handed a gun. "Take this gun and shoot the person in that room back there." The man is older, around 59 and picks up the gun with skill. He walks calmly to the door and closes it behind him. Within 30 seconds the man storms out of the room and slams the gun on the desk. "I have a bone to pick with you! How dare you expect me to kill my wife of 30 years, when we are about to spend the best years of our lives together?" The officer nods and shows the man to the door. The last candidate is shown in, and asked to perform the same task. This man, is 40ish and just starting to gray. He takes the gun and walks over to the and closes it behind him. And... BLAM...... BLAM. BLAM. BLAM. The sound of shouting, chairs being thrown, and a final muffled cry comes from the room. The man comes panting from the room. "I have a bone to pick with you sir. That gun was filled with blanks. I had to strangle the bitch."
Joke by slappy jones	Jan 29th, 2008 12:39:29 PM
A guy goes to confession and says "father forgive me for i have sinned and I fear I will be kicked out of the church" The priest says "my son why would I kick you from the church" "well" the man says "last night i gave into temptation and threw my wife over the fridge and took her from behind" the preist gave a small chuckle "oh my son we won't throw you out of the church for that" the man sighed in relief "thank god cos they threw me out of the supermarket"
Joke by TheLawr	Jan 29th, 2008 12:44:24 PM
An Tony Blair and George Bush go for a walk one day. As they're walking along they start to feel hungry. "You know what i fancy?" says Tony, "Fish!" "But we don't have any fishing gear!" says George, Tony thinks for a moment, "I'll tell you what, you see this here bridge, dangle me over the edge" So George Bush dangles Tony Blair over the edge of the bridge, Tony reaches into the river underneath and waits for a fish to come along. After about five minutes Tony shouts "Pull me up!", George pulls him up and there is a fish in Tony's hands. "That's amazing!" says George, and they cook and eat the fish right there by the road. Half an hour later they start to feel hungry again. "lower me over this bridge!" says George Bush. So Tony Blair lowers George Bush over the edge of the bridge. After ten minutes George shouts "Pull me up!" "have you got a fish?" asks Tony, "No!" says George "I think there's a train coming!"
Joke by Radiokaos	Jan 29th, 2008 12:45:17 PM
You know how you can tell if a guy's gay? When your fucking him in the ass, and you do a reach around, and he is already hard.
Joke by DarthQueefer	Jan 29th, 2008 12:45:56 PM
The Dead Cat Test: A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?", she asked. "Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move."
JOKE...JOKE!!!! by Outlaw	Jan 29th, 2008 12:47:41 PM
Three men are trapped on an island with a tribe of cannibals. The chief cannibal tells the three men that their lives will be spared if they can collect three of the same fruits and bring them to the chief; however, they cannot show any emotions the entire time. Thinking that the task was easy enough, the three men set out searching for three of the same fruit throughout the island. The first man comes back with three bananas. “Good,” says the chief, “now, you must shove these bananas up your ass!” The man gasps and is immediately thrown into a boilin pot of stew. The second man comes back with three small coconuts. “Good,” says the chief, “now you must shove these small coconuts up your ass!” The man does not flinch. He slowly drops his pants and shoves one coconut up his ass. He then proceeds to shove a second coconut up his ass! Finally he begins to shove the third coconut up his ass, until halfway through, the man looks up and begins to laugh hysterically. The tribe grabs the man and throws him into the stew! The second man wakes up in Heaven with the first man looking at him curiously. “What happened?” The first man asked, “You were so close to walking out with your life! Why were you laughing like a maniac?” “I couldn’t help it!” said the second man, “I looked up and I saw the last guy running back with pineapples!”
Joke by ChickenDelicious	Jan 29th, 2008 12:53:59 PM
What's brown and green and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? A pool table.
Joke by Deuce Hexx	Jan 29th, 2008 12:55:42 PM
Q: Why do they call it a pap smear? A: Becuase 'cunt scrape' sounds gross.
Joke by NBC Shill	Jan 29th, 2008 01:00:34 PM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful structure forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral......... I'm a gynecologist."
My god. We have until Friday with this shit... by anchorite	Jan 29th, 2008 01:03:37 PM
This may end up being the longest TB ever.
I just got off the phone with Tom Cruise by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 01:10:28 PM
and he says all you sick bastards are going to hell...unless you call him to schedule an e-meter reading and purification rundown, STAT.
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 01:11:19 PM
What's white and sticky and slides down a public toilet wall? .............................. .............................. ...........GEORGE MICHAEL'S LATEST RELEASE!!!
Joke by sickboy_ukuk	Jan 29th, 2008 01:11:23 PM
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
JOKE by Vercetti1701	Jan 29th, 2008 01:11:47 PM
A lady is working at a sperm bank organizing specimens when a man in a ski mask walks in brandishing an uzi. The man says "Lady, I want you to take that specimen you're holding and DRINK IT!" The lady panics and says "You want me to WHAT?" The man in the ski mask cocks his machine gun and says "I want you drink that specimen or I'll blow your head off!" The lady promptly takes the sperm specimen and downs it like a shot. The man takes off his mask and it turns out it's the woman's husband. He says "See? That wasn't so hard, was it?"
Joke by CryptoKnight	Jan 29th, 2008 01:12:19 PM
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbu...wanna ride bikes?
Joke Joke! by ronnyboy	Jan 29th, 2008 01:15:19 PM
What's the difference between a FRIDGE and a PUSSY? A fridge doesn't FART when you pull out the MEAT!!!
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 01:15:47 PM
This man phones in work sick, he says "I can't make work today I'm sick", his boss says "How sick are you?" he said "Well, I'm in bed with my sister!!"
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 01:17:00 PM
What's the difference between a pussy and a fridge?....................... .WHEN YOU PULL YOUR MEAT OUT OF THE FRIDGE IT DOESN'T FART!! ***** haha, what's the difference between a DING and a DING?
Joke by TheTagger	Jan 29th, 2008 01:17:55 PM
A couple are having sex in their bedroom. At the last second, the guy pulls out, shoves his cock up her ass, and comes like crazy. Later, as they are lying next to each other, the girl turns to the guy and says, "You know, that little stunt you pulled back there, that was pretty presumptuous." The guy responds, "Huh. Presumptuous. That's a pretty big word for a nine year old."
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 01:18:44 PM
What's green and smells?......HULS FARTS!
Joke by Vamp-AICNchat	Jan 29th, 2008 01:19:22 PM
*Hulks farts.
Joke by vadakinX	Jan 29th, 2008 01:19:34 PM
It's been mentioned already, but not told, and there are so many variations of the joke, there's not a single one to choose, so here's my version... Oh and reader discretion is advised: A man is working as a talent agent and he gets a call looking for acts for an upcoming variety show in Las Vegas. Unfortunately, he doesn't have enough acts on his roster to fill the show so he has to audition new acts. So, that Saturday, he spends the day auditioning acts but each one is awful, and after a long and tiring day he's about to give up when a man, his wife, 12 year old son and 8 year old daughter walk in. Wanting to just get things overwith, the agent signals them to start performing their act as he sits back in his chair, counting the seconds until he can go home. The agent is then shocked as the man punches his daughter in the face while the wife gets down on her knees and taking out her sons cock, she begins to suck. Meanwhile the husband rips the clothes from his daughters body and begins shoving his own cock down her throat as the wife, without taking her lips from her sons cock, leans over and begins fingering her daughter. This goes on for about 5 minutes, with the agent unable to move or speak, because he is in complete shock over what is happening before his eyes. The husband turns his daughter onto all fours and rams his cock in her eight-year old ass as the wife shoves her sons face against her pussy and demands that he suck her clit until it turns blue while he puts his cock in his sisters throat, so she is being fucked from both ends. Eventually the husbands pulls his cock from his daughters ass, which is now leaking shit and blood, and places his lips against her puckered hole and starts licking it all up while the son pushes his other back and starts fucking her. As this is going on, the childrens grandmother, who had been waiting outside in the car, comes in with the family dog. She looks at whats happening and then takes her clothes off and gets the dog to mount her and start fucking her. On and on it goes, with blood and cum and shit everywhere, the daughter getting fucked by her brother, her father and the dog, the mother sticking a tube up her sons ass, giving him an enema, licking up the watered down shit and rolling around in it as it pours out of him. They spend an hour fucking each other, constantly switching positions, taking turns ravaging each others bodies and letting their dog have his way with each of them. The son and the father fuck each other as the grandmother climbs on to the talent agenst desk with the wife and child and they fist each others asses in a lesbian three-way. The family is even joined by three homeless people at one point who fuck the women and shove filthy, half full wine bottles into their pussies and drink the stale wine from them, mixed with blood and cum, before taking turns shitting and pissing in the each of the family members mouths. And after an hour of the most depraved, disgusting, perveted sexual acts imaginable, with everything from raping the daughters ass to mass-fucking the dog, the family stand up, covered in sweat and cum and blood and wine and shit, they take a bow and in unison, do a jazz hands move, each singing: Taa-daaaaaa Completely stunned and shocked, the talent agent stares at the depraved family, unsure what to say or how to react. Finally, he manages to stutter a response... Agent: Uh...that was...wow...what is this act? What do you call yourselves? The family respond together: THE ARISTOCRATS -------------- Not everyone will get that joke...it's something of a tradition among comedians...the version I've written here is an abridged version, not half as filthy (believe it or not) as some of the versions out there, and is not even half as long as the version I normally tell...but dammit it's the best joke ever :P
Joke by Abominable Snowcone	Jan 29th, 2008 01:21:00 PM
How many Tourette's kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? NnnnnnNIPPLES!
Joke by Irockedfraggle	Jan 29th, 2008 01:21:32 PM
Whats

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