Aloha yall,
Tex Hula here joining you again.
Last month I decided I would try to watch a movie every Monday. But not any movie. It has to be a movie I have never heard of. In order to find some true obscure gems, I'm going to mine through the caverns of lost cinema. Every Monday I go to random-movie-picker.com and select a movie I'm utterly oblivious about. If it's available to me, I'll watch it. Here are my first four mad Monday movies.
DON'T TOUCH IF YOU AIN'T PRAYED (2005)
Thoughts before watching: I have a shot of tequila ready. I'm taking a shot the first time someone says the title line, "DON'T TOUCH IF YOU AIN'T PRAYED!"
Pamela is a forty-year-old, Christian virgin living at home with her parents, (actors the same age as her), her comic relief grandfather, (an actor also the same age-range but with white paint in his hair), and her slutty high school sister in her thirties. When she's not waking up late for work, and being shitty at her job, she's scouring Christian dating sites for men. That's where she meets the man of her dreams Jordan Bryant (Randy Brooks, RESERVOIR DOGS).
Pamela soon begins dating Jordan. Jordan has a little secret. Several actually, for starters he has a wife and kid that Pamela doesn't know about. In his first scene with his alcoholic wife, she's drunk on the couch while he's getting ready for a date. He finds out she didn't make dinner for their daughter and puts his hand on her neck and says, "Don't make me do something I'm gonna regret."
Also, he runs an "import-export pharmaceutical company." I'm sure I don't have to tell you what that means. Hint: he imports and exports something that rhymes with "mo-caine."
So, on one of his dates with Pamela, they're having a picnic in a park, or someone's front lawn, and Jordan tries to force himself on her. At this point, she should've screamed the title line. She didn't, but I had my tequila shot anyway. Pamela pushes him off her and tells him she's a virgin. Jordan gets mad and storms off.
I've seen a few romantic comedies before. Usually, at this point, another guy would step in to sweep the female lead off her feet. Or better yet, a female lead would just kick the guy to the curb and live a good life without him. In this movie, we have Jordan Bryant as our romantic lead. So Jordan decides to clean up his life by quitting the "pharmaceutical" business and telling his wife he's divorcing her and having two men haul her off to Alcoholics Anonymous. Damnit movie, it does not work that way. You can't drag someone away to AA against their will. Jordan then proposes to Pamela, she accepts. They both live happily ever after. It doesn't matter if he's a married, lying, coke dealing, abusive rapist just as long as he puts a ring on it. Amirite ladies?
This movie is the worst. Pamela, the leading lady, is self-centered. The Granpa character is a lame, unfunny caricature. But the worst has to be Jordan Bryant. Somehow the villain of an action movie ended up as the leading man in a Christian romance movie. This movie is terrible on multiple levels. What a great way to kick things off!
JILL RIPS (2000)
Thoughts before watching: A.k.a. JILL THE RIPPER. Starring Dolph Lundgren. Directed by Anthony Hickox who is responsible for a favorite underrated gem WAXWORK. I'm down for this.
If you've ever wanted to see Dolph Lundgren hanging upside down, wearing a leather thong, and getting his ass spanked, then I've found the perfect movie for you.
Matt Sorensen (Dolph Lundgren) is an alcoholic ex-cop who returns home after his brother's corpse is discovered. The reason Matt is an ex-cop is that he, "rounded up all the prostitutes in town and made them walk barefoot in the rain singing hymns. Then he walked away from the force and never looked back." (?!) So Matt begins investigating his brother's homicide, by interrogating people and slapping them around till they give him a name. Eventually, he gets to an overweight prostitute who dresses as a nurse while sticking her john's head in an oven while she spanks his ass with a spatula. She sicks her Doberman on Matt, and he beats the shit out of it.
He finds out his brother had a bondage fetish, and this leads him to the seedy S&M scene. He finds out his brother's killer is a masked dominatrix. So the rest of the movie is THE PUNISHER tracking down a punisher.
The movie takes place in 1977, and for a low budget movie, they do a decent job of recreating the era. This is also a different kind of movie for Dolph Lundgren, and he's decent in it. But this movie is just so run of the mill, routine, and boring. A typical episode of CSI makes for a better thriller. Even the reveal of the killer is no surprise, seeing how there was only one female character it could have been. JILL RIPS a big wet fart.
BEARCITY 2: THE PROPOSAL (2012)
Thoughts before watching: So, there's a whole trilogy of BEARCITY movies I had no idea existed.
Roger and his boyfriend Tyler get engaged and decide to have the wedding at a bear week in Provincetown, Massachusetts. They invite all their bear friends. Including a couple making a documentary on bears. And that's all the plot there is. It's mostly an excuse for the characters to interact. It's pretty much just a "hang out" movie. There's a barroom brawl that breaks out in a foam covered dance floor as well as a hairy dude who accidentally gets a waxing instead of a soothing massage.
I'm not really this movie's target audience, but the movie works for what it is. I laughed out loud several times. If you're interested in the BEARCITY movies, the filmmakers have a website where you can stream them for low prices. I just wish they were given a theatrical release. It would be hilarious if someone took their kids thinking it was an animated movie about bears.
I had several movies for this next spot but couldn't find any of them. Dannie sent a screener to me for a movie she hadn't even been given the title for, all she only knew that it was a Serbian martial arts film and she knows I am a martial arts and foreign film junkie. Sounded cool to me. Except for the last time I watched "A SERBIAN FILM," and I had to take a scalding hot shower.
THE SAMURAI IN AUTUMN (2016)
Vladica is a thirty-something karate champ making the rounds competing in karate tournaments against kids. After a night of partying with a local girl, the next day he fails a urine test and is banned from competing. He's forced to move back to his hometown and in with his more disciplined karate champ father. He starts helping his father with the dojo he runs, training kids. One of the mom's is an old flame of his he starts up a relationship with.
Needing money to impress his new lady, Vlad starts an oriental massage business. After beating up a client who was expecting a happy ending, Vlad catches the eye of a local corrupt cop. The cop gives him a job as a bouncer at a club, and after taking out some local thugs catches the sight of a mob boss who puts him in illegal MMA matches. After his street fighting career comes to an abrupt end, Vlad decides to focus his energy on putting his girl's kid into a karate tournament.
This movie seems like a mash-up of quite a few movies. There's a little bit of THE FOOT FIST WAY, JERRY MACGUIRE, and BAD WORDS. But it works. The lead character Vlad (Peter Strugar) carries this movie. On one hand, he respects the art of karate and tries to walk the path of a true warrior. On the other hand, he's a slacker and a bit of a fuck up. The relationship between him and his father is another high point of the film.
The fight scenes are well done, short, brutal, and to the point. Also, a fantastic score that sounds like 70's Euro-disco.
Great movie. Recommended. Check it out.
Mahalo pardners,
Tex Hula
