Happy Christmas, geeks!
Big Eyes, here! For your reading pleasure, Hedgehog has an exclusive interview with JJ Abrams!
Enjoy this satirical piece.
So this week it’s something a bit different, because IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!!!! As a special treat to you readers I won’t be doing any jokes, instead it will be this…
Let me tell you a true story. I was quietly working away in the AICN office. Big Eyes was engrossed in some anime cartoon thing. Precious Roy was asleep in his cage. Herc was laughing and handing out chocolates. The others were hard at work on festive film reviews. Suddenly the phone starts ringing and as I was closest to it I answered it and it was some dude from ENGLAND asking if we’d like to interview Star Wars head honcho JJ Abrams! THAT’S A BIG FAT YES DUDE, I LOVE STAR WARS AND I LOVE ENGLAND! So I immediately put on a bowler hat, drank a cup of tea, grabbed an umbrella, knocked out two of my teeth, played some cricket and then jumped into the AICN private jet (paid for by your tax dollars) and flew to London (in England) to talk to the man who is not only the best director since Spielberg but also the guy who is filming STAR WARS 9 for all of us!
When I arrived at the studio I had to sign an NDA (“No dumbasses allowed”) and then I got to walk onto the set of STAR WARS 9!!!!! Obviously I can’t tell you anything about it but would you like to know the title? Is it going to be THE PHANTOM CLONE, ATTACK OF THE SITH or A NEW JEDI? No. In a world exclusive I can reveal that STAR WARS 9 which is going to wrap up the whole nine film saga will be called STAR WARS: ENDGAME. Good one JJ, can’t see any problem with that!
Here’s the interview…
HH: Hi JJ. Can I call you JJ?
JJ: No.
HH: OK. I think you are brilliant. You have a real (lens) flare for directing movies!
JJ: Good one, never heard that before.
HH: OK. Before we talk about STAR WARS I’d like to go back to your earlier work such as the work you did on the amazing film CLOVERFIELD. It really is more of an IQ test than a film because intelligent people love it and dumbasses hate it. You must be very proud of being involved with something so brilliant and 10 Cloverfield Lane was also good but maybe not the PARADOX one which was rubbish, but the big question is will there ever be a PROPER Cloverfield sequel? Please say yes!
JJ: No.
HH: OK, very interesting, well worth the trans-Atlantic trip, thanks. Then you did LOST which made lots of people mad. I have a few questions that you may be able to help with. Why did Jack wake up in the middle of the jungle? Why did Oceanic Flight 815 really crash? What became of the tail section and the passengers inside? How did Jack come to be on Flight 815 in the first place? What is the Smoke Monster? Why was Charlie being pursued by the attendants on the flight? Why did John Locke stay in the rainstorm when everyone else hid? Why did the statue have 4 toes? How can there be polar bears on the island? How did the Frenchwoman and her team get on the island? Did Bernard survive? Who is the woman in Sayid's photo? How was Locke healed all of a sudden? Why did hallucinations of Christian lead Jack to his coffin? How did the original Adam and Eve characters die? Why were the members of the French team armed with guns? What would happen to Claire's baby if someone else raised it? Shall I go on?
JJ: No.
HH: OK, thanks. Let’s move on to your desecration of STAR TREK. EVERYONE knew that Cumberbatch was KHAN. Why try to hide it? Can you tell us what the hell you were thinking?
JJ: No.
HH: OK, some valuable insight there. Moving on. As you’re doing STAR WARS and it’s Christmas I thought you’d like to hear a Christmas Star Wars joke. It’s Christmas morning and Luke wants to open his presents. He wonders what they are. Then Darth Vader comes in and say “I know what your presents are” and Luke doesn’t know how that is possible and Darth Vader say “I felt your presents using the force and from their approximate size, shape and weight I worked out what they are. Also I’m your father”.
JJ: Good one. Now I’ve got a few things I want to say about RIAN JOHNSON. He’s a total…
HH: Sorry I’m afraid we’ve run out of time. Boring conversation anyway. Catch you later!
So, interview over, it was time to go across to the huge Pinewood Studios and watch some filming. I couldn’t believe that they were actually going to let me LUKE around the set! (Ha-ha, I sneaked a subtle Star Wars reference in there. I said LUKE instead of LOOK. Pretty clever. Did you spot it?)
Anyway the set is in a giant hangar and it is amazing and huge. With the lights off it’s quite dark (SIDE) but after a while your eyes get accustomed and you can see (3PO) how many people are (2D2) at work. It was (H)an amazing sight! YODA never believed it! I saw (GERRERA) the (FORCE AWAKENS) crew and film (DEATH) stars hard at (AT) work. JJ (KESSEL) runs (I’VE GOT) a (BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS) tight ship! As I arrived they’re all TARKIN about setting up (JABBA) the (HUTT) next camera (WHO) shot (FIRST). It’s (A TRAP!) all very casual, no (ROGUE) one is wearing a (NEW HOPE) suit and tie (FIGHTER) but despite this every (SLAVE) one is (AREN’T YOU) a (LITTLE SHORT FOR A STORMTROOPER) total professional. (LAUGH) It (UP FUZZBALL) was amazing to see (3PO) (Editor’s Note: you’ve already done (THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH) this one). At lunchtime they all (FIRST) order lots (I FIND YOUR LACK) of (FAITH DISTURBING) tasty food – they (BB) ate fries and chicken (X) wings and some (BIB FOR) tuna and (BOB) a (FETT) big (LEIA) cake and got a drink of (QUI-GON) gin (ERSO) and tonic at the (ACK) bar. I spent hours there (IS NO TRY) and at (ST) last (JEDI) they took (HELP) me (OBI-WAN KENOBI YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE) to meet (ATTACK OF) the (CLONES) main (WALRUS) man himself – JJ Abrams!
But I’d already interviewed him once and it was late so he’d gone home. THE END.
LOVE YOUR CHRISTMAS!
Hedgehog xxx
@HedgehogAICN
HedgehogAICN@mail.com
