Big Eyes here, sharing another satirical writing of our very own Hedgehog!
Hello. It’s me, Hedgehog. Just before I start this week’s article I’d like to provide some context. Now you may know that DEADPOOL is a funny movie with jokes and stuff in it and swearing and violent bits and lots of breaking the fourth wall and stuff. It is already MEGA funny so how can I possibly write an amusing article about it? That would be like trying to play basketball against someone who is ALREADY good at basketball. Or tennis against someone who is good at tennis. Or golf against someone who is good at golf. You see the problem? Maybe you need some more examples. It’s like swimming against someone who is good at swimming. Or talking at someone who is good at talking. Do you get it now?
Anyway there is only one way to tackle this problem and that is by being EVEN MORE FUNNY than DEADPOOL! Obvious really. I won’t be swearing because that would be rude and it’s hard to be violent in a written article and not sure how I can break the fourth wall in this context but it will be fun to try. So - are you ready to BREAK THE FOURTH WALL in a written article telling you all about DEADPOOL? It’s going to be quite a ride! HERE WE GO!!!
DEADPOOL originally came from the planet Krypton. He was put in a pod thing by a shark called JAWS-EL because his planet was going to blow up and the pod went to EARTH and was found by Kevin Costner. The government wanted to experiment on this space baby but Kevin got to him first and stole him away which is why he is called the MAN OF STEAL (lol!) As DEADPOOL grew up he discovered he had superpowers but then his mother and father were shot dead by a hoodlum and he went all dark and started to dress as a bat and live in a cave. Which was full of bats. A sort of bat cave if you will.
Ha! I have fooled you. SUCKER!!! I was talking about SPIDERMAN and BATMAN and not DEADPOOL at all! I bet you feel stupid now! Does that count as breaking the fourth wall? Let’s say it does.
In reality DEADPOOL started in a comic, which is like a book for stupid people. He was called “THE MERCH WITH THE MOUTH” because he sold lots of branded merchandise and talked about it a lot. Which reminds me – it’s nearly time to launch the OFFICIAL AICN merchandise! You love AICN so of course you want to send us lots of money and buy things. You can get a HEDGEHOG t-shirt (extra small, small, medium, large or extra large), a HERC t-shirt (only available in extra medium), a BIG EYES “MAGA” baseball cap (“MAKE ANIME GREAT AGAIN”), a PRECIOUS ROY pen and pencil set, a FREDDY BEANS pencil and pen set, a RONI RAMPANT [CENSORED ON LEGAL ADVICE], a WHEELS cufflink and tie set, a SAM missile launcher and much much more! (Bye bye fourth wall, lol!)
DEADPOOL’s girlfriend is called MORENA BACCARIN and according to nerds she is the PERFECT girlfriend in every way. She is beautiful, intelligence, funny, exciting and most importantly completely out of their league. It’s such a shame that they “fridged” her in the second movie. I don’t know what this means but I read it in a review and it sounded intelligent so I put it in here. Well done me. I hope this doesn’t count as plagiarism? I’d hate to copy someone else. COGITO ERGO SUM. (Can’t plagiarise the dead – ha, take that Latin suckers!) See! Now I am talking about DEADPOOL’s girlfriend and not DEADPOOL at all. Take that you fourth wall again!!!
Anyway DEADPOOL’s real name is WADE WILSON and his REAL real name is RYAN. It could be GOSLING or REYNOLDS, honestly no one ever knows the difference. They are basically the same person. Do you know which is which? To help I have come up with a mnemonic to remember it. Like if you want to know how many months are in a year you say “January, February, March, etc”. (Although this is a bit flawed because the fourth month is actually APRIL and not “etc”). For the Ryans you just need to remember that DEADPOOL wears lots of RED and RED is a COLOR and another COLOR is GREY and people with GREY hair are OLD and therefore it is REYNOLDS because that has OLD in it. Simples. Whatever you do don’t remember that DEADPOOL wears lots of RED and RED is a COLOR and another COLOR is GREY and people with GREY hair are OLD and they have to GO to the toilet a lot so it is GOSLING because that has GO in it. But remember it’s not that one, it’s the other one. So remember that if you get GOSLING you should “GO SLING YOUR HOOK” because you are wrong and it is REYNOLDS. Like “REY” in the STAR WARS films. Maybe that’s easier. DEADPOOL isn’t in STAR WARS but REY is so it’s REYNOLDS. But GOS sounds like the name of a STAR WARS character so that might be a bit confusing. But the rest of his name is LING which is some kind of fish and in THE PHANTOM MENACE they say “There’s always a bigger fish” but if you research it you will see that a LING is actually quite a small fish so it can’t be that one so it must be REYNOLDS. Alternatively just write DEADPOOL IS RYAN REYNOLDS on a piece of paper and carry it with you at all times. That would work. Unless you lose the piece of paper. Then you’d be stuck. Maybe better to tattoo DEADPOOL = REYNOLDS on your forehead and then whenever you’re not sure who plays DEADPOOL you only have to look in the mirror and your problem is solved. Although you’d better write it in reverse so you can read it in the mirror or you’ll think DEADPOOL is SDLONYER which would make you look like an idiot. Although writing something in reverse like this, especially on your own forehead, would be REALLY difficult. Maybe it would be better to write it on SOMEONE ELSE and then you could just look at them and forget all of this mirror nonsense. But then what would you do if they weren’t around (because maybe they had gone to the bathroom and locked the door)? You’d be in trouble then! But I’ve thought of that one. It’s obvious really. There is bound to be a mirror in a bathroom so you can phone them up (make sure they’ve got a phone with them and that it’s charged and you know the number) and ask them to look in the mirror and tell you which RYAN it is. Although that mirror will reverse things too so hopefully you’ve written it in reverse writing or they will have trouble. But what if they’ve forgotten their phone? Don’t worry. Flag down an UBER and ask it to take you to the nearest HOLLYWOOD. Then walk about until you spot one of the RYANS (REYNOLDS or GOSLING, it really doesn’t matter) and ask them if they play DEADPOOL. Remember to video the conversation as proof. Now there is a chance that they could lie to fool you but that’s not very likely is it let’s be honest. Unless you have accidentally spoken to someone who isn’t one of the correct two RYANS. Maybe it’s just someone who LOOKS like one of them. That would be a nightmare. So, to make sure you’re not messing up in this way, you could ask them who plays DEADPOOL because obviously the REAL RYAN will know. So when they say who it is you can check by buying a new phone, charging it up, getting an UBER back to your original start point, pushing the phone under the bathroom door to your friend and then ringing it and getting them to confirm the correct name by looking in the mirror at their tattooed forehead. Simples! But what if they aren’t in there anymore? I mean you have gone to Hollywood and back so there is every chance that they have finished their “bathroom business” and moved on. Well in that case go to the police and report them as a dangerous criminal and when the police track them down you can should out “Who plays DEADPOOL?” as they are carted off to jail and then you will know. But what if the police can’t find them? Well this seems pretty unlikely, I think you are clutching at straws now, but in this scenario you are screwed and will NEVER know who plays DEADPOOL ever again. EPIC FAIL! (Either that or Google it)
LOVE YOUR WALLS - Hedgehog xxx
@HedgehogAICN
HedgehogAICN@mail.com
